#humor

Fuck you," Alex growls. He shoves back his chair and walks away. "That's the old Alex I used to know! I understand that language loud and clear," I call after him. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humor

Cass, I know you’re only trying to help but I will stab you in your face. ↗

— S.L.J. Shortt

#humor #humor

There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!" ... "Sadie," My dad said firmly, "Please do not refer to the devourer of souls as 'poochiekins'. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#children-s #humor #mythology #serpent-in-the-shadows #humor

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #humor

Chapter One. The Bride." He held up the book then. "I'm reading it to you for relax." He practically shoved the book in my face. "By S. Morgenstern. Great Florinese writer. The Princess Bride. He too came to America. S. Morgenstern. Dead now in New York. The English is his own. He spoke eight tongues." Here my father put down the book and held up all his fingers. "Eight. Once in Florin City... ↗

— William Goldman

#humor

His brother fell silent again, another oddity for Chad. Several seconds passed. “Bro, all of us are a little fucked up.” “No shit. ↗

— J. Lynn

#humor #humor

...called nine-one-one," Howie was saying, "and then I heard something in the alleyway, so I went back there and" --Howie coughed-- "and valiantly attacked his knife with my guts, to no avail." "Did you get a good look at him? Could you describe him?" Howie smiled wanly. "Yeah. He was about yay long" --he held up his hands, four inches apart-- "thin, made of steel. Pointy. Sharp. ↗

— Barry Lyga

#humor

She had just pulled her dress coat from it's hanger when Connor came bouncing out of her bedroom and down the hallway with something in his hand. "Mommy, what's this jiggle stick?" She looked up to see her son standing not two feet away from Reece with her purple jelly vibrator in his hand. And he was shaking it, making it waggle back and forth. ↗

— Pamela Clare

#humor

What are you doing?" she asked, trying to raise herself. "First, I thought I'd show you what a pity it would be if they cut off my wicked tongue. ↗

— Melina Marchetta

#humor

Ranger appeared in the bathroom doorway and I was too relieved to be embarrassed. "I appreciate you coming out in the middle of the night," I said. Ranger smiled. "I didn't want to miss seeing you chained up naked. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor