#humour

Angela spared a glare for Kami, and then resumed her marathon glaring session at Jared. 'It's too weird. I'm going to call you Carl.' Jared scowled. 'I don't want you to call me Carl.' 'That's interesting, Carl,' said Angela, cheering up. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#weird

And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened. ↗

— Jonathan Stroud

#luck #luck

Oh shit did you just dis the feminine gender I'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blender You think I like Tori and Ani so I can't rhyme But I got flow like Ghostbusters got slime Objectify women and it's fuckin' on You'll be dead and gone like ancient Babylon. ↗

— John Green

#rap #gender

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. ↗

— George Carlin

#humour #care

Consider me your candy stripper... I mean striper. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#rules

No," he said, "look, it's very, very simple ... all I want ... is a cup of tea. You are going to make one for me. Keep quiet and listen." And he sat. He told the Nutri-Matic about India, he told it about China, he told it about Ceylon. He told it about broad leaves drying in the sun. He told it about silver teapots. He told it about summer afternoons on the lawn. He told it about putting in the milk before the tea so it wouldn't get scalded. He even told it (briefly) about the history of the East India Company. "So that's it, is it?" said the Nutri-Matic when he had finished. "Yes," said Arthur, "that is what I want." "You want the taste of dried leaves in boiled water?" "Er, yes. With milk." "Squirted out of a cow?" "Well, in a manner of speaking I suppose ... ↗

— Douglas Adams

#science-fiction #science

No thanks,” I answered, “I never take rides from strangers, thugs who've tried to kill me or people with poor personal hygiene. Congratulations, by the way, for being the first person to qualify in all three categories. ↗

— John Zakour

#sci-fi #sci-fi-humour-comedy #sci-fi

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence." "Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’ ↗

— John Zakour

#sci-fi #sci-fi-humour-comedy #sci-fi

I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#humour #sci-fi #self-cannibalism #sci-fi

And what lesson can we draw from Volantene history? If you want to conquer the world, you best have dragons. ↗

— George R.R. Martin

#george-r-r-martin #humour #sci-fi #tyrion-lannister #sci-fi