#humour

Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said. "'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said. ↗

— John Green

#humor #humour #internet #john-green #pedophile

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties. ↗

— Fran Lebowitz

#humour #funny

Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do? ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#dark-hunter #funny #nhumour #funny

Every other girl in school thinks you're the hottest thing since the microwave. ↗

— Linda Kage

#humour #funny

Cut the crap and tell me what color panties you’re wearing. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#funny

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?" "Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth." "Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms. ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#funny #humour #funny

Misery, thy name is Mudslide ↗

— Molly Harper

#humour #paranormal-romance #funny

Fred and George turned to each other and said together, “Wow — we’re identical! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humour #death

When I hear somebody talk about a horse or cow being stupid; I figure it's a sure sign that the animal has somehow outfoxed them ↗

— Tom Dorrance

#horses #humour #spirit #communication

You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death. ↗