#ip

But there's always a chance she's hiding a flask and a Nixon-esque Enemies List in her pinafore apron, which is exactly why we're such good friends. ↗

— Jen Lancaster

#friendship

Sometimes I wonder if we're livin' in the same land. Why do you wanna be my friend when I feel like a juggler running out of hands? ↗

— Elvis Costello

#friendship

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #drinking #foreplay #funny #humor

Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#drink #drinking #entrepreneur #entrepreneurship #funny

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cats #choreography #dance #dancing #day

I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #lipstick #love #thesis #funny

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk. ↗

— Criss Jami

#funny #humor #humor-relationships #independence #jerk

Alright, good night,” he said, his words a little slurred. “But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat. ↗

— Erin McCarthy

#funny #hot #humor #love #relationships

You need to be more careful, or you could hurt yourself." Right. Thank you, Mrs. Detweiler. I never would have come to that conclusion by myself. I was planning on incorporating a backflip into my next walk across the classroom but on second thought... ↗

— Janette Rallison

#basketball #fall #falling #funny #gymastics

Grover: It’s a very sweet love story. I get misty-eyed every time I play it. So does Percy, but I think that’s because he’s laughing at me. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#grover-underwood #reed-pipe #funny