#la

There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#funny #funny

She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. “They’re anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don’t chew.” “Well, I thought I’d stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I’ll swallow them. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #medicine #rose #funny

Is he dead?" he inquired "He looks dead." "No," snapped Maryse. "He's not dead." "Have you checked? I could kick him if you want." Mangus moved toward Jace. "Stop that!" the Inquisitor snapped, sounding like Clary's third grade teacher demanding that she stop dooling on her desk with a marker. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#dead #funny #jace-lightwood #magnus-bane #the-inquisitor

How'd you get to be so good at this?" "I had a good teacher." "Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass." "I mean you, dummy." "Oh. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #morganville-vampires #myrnin

She was staring at you.’’ ‘‘What can I say? Irresistible.’’ ‘‘Shane, it’s not funny. I just—you should be careful.’’ ‘‘Always am.’’ Which was an absolute lie. Shane’s eyes fixed on hers, and she felt a burst of heat inside that crept up to burn in her cheeks. He smiled slowly. ‘‘Jealous?’’ ‘‘Maybe.’’ ‘‘No reason. I like my ladies with a pulse. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#feast-of-fools #morganville-vampires #shane-collins #funny

You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line? ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#bad-ass #funny #funny

There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #flag #flagpole #funny #honor

Lovers are like lawyers: each manipulates the evidence as much as possible to outwit their opponent in the eyes of all. When the woman or defense attorney gets the upper hand, the result is dismissal. ↗

— Bauvard

#lawyers #love #funny

Yeah, okay. You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steak, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night-dinner buffet, because having organs is SO last year. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#funny #zombies #funny

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk. ↗

— Criss Jami

#funny #humor #humor-relationships #independence #jerk