#lt

If I wasn’t mated, and wasn’t straight, and you were a Mage, and we hadn’t made that pact for friendship’s sake, I would totally screw you. ↗

— Scarlett Dawn

#new-adult #friendship

Free your life from the fangs of gossips by not associating yourself with them. Anyone who helps you to gossip about someone can also help someone to gossip about you. ↗

— Israelmore Ayivor

#bad-talks #deceive #disgrace #evil-talk #friends

Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said. "'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said. ↗

— John Green

#humor #humour #internet #john-green #pedophile

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#chocolate #funny #humor #kiss #melt

Maybe they know what I know, that the true way to a man's heart is six inches of metal between his ribs. Sometimes four inches will do the job, but to be really sure, I like to have six. Funny how phallic objects are always more useful the bigger they are. Anyone who tells you size doesn't matter has been seeing too many small knives. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#laurell-k-hamilton #funny

I was a militant smoker, and in my case, I think I particularly used smoking because what I felt was a kind of politically correct big brother assault on smoking. ↗

— Joe Eszterhas

#because #big #big brother #brother #case

You're so far off base this time you can't even see the base! ↗

— Eileen Wilks

#insult #humor

You are evidence of your mother's strength, especially if you are a rebellious knucklehead and regardless she has always maintained her sanity. ↗

— Criss Jami

#cute #difficulties #disobedience #evidence #funny

Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,' Paris muttered. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#showalter #funny

Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary ↗