#mo

We need to get you to stop thinking of me as a friend, and start thinking of me as that incredibly hot mechanic you’re sleeping with.” “You are a friend, why do we need to do that?” “Because you’re stiff as a board and not in the way I want you to be. ↗

— Elle Parker

#humor #humor

I felt very close to God.... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees. ↗

— Armistead Maupin

#gay #humor #innuendo #humor

if you make waffles, throw out the first one. ↗

— George Lopez

#humor

Vane passed the mashed potatoes across Bride to Fury, who stared at them with a fierce frown "What are these?" he asked. "Potatoes," Vane told him. "What did they do to them? ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor

I have sex," Grace shrugged. I meant with a man," Claudia said dryly. Now why would I ruin something so good by inviting a man along?" Grace asked. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#sex #humor

I Twitter (or Facebook) therefore I am ↗

— Jayce O'Neal

#humor #jayce-oneal #humor

When I was a little kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually. ↗

— Stephen Wright

#humor

Nothing in the universe can travel at the speed of light, they say, forgetful of the shadow`s speed. ↗

— Howard Nemerov

#science #humor

For some people, getting pregnant is as easy as catching cold." And there certainly was an analogy there: Colds and babies were both caused by germs which loved nothing so much as a mucous membrane. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#humor

The whole telling part seemed a moot point now, but how could he explain what happened? Hey, honey, I’m an alien and apparently I just doused you with some radioactive loving! Wanna catch a movie? Yeah, not cool. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor #humor