#mo

It's a long ride home with nothing but me for company. I bore myself sometimes. Not often. Just now and again. ↗

— David Hewson

#traveling #traveling-alone #home

One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis. ↗

— Adam Carolla

#home

It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking - Ya'll Come Back, Danki. ↗

— Karen Harper

#christian #humor #southern #home

...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture... ↗

— Carla Foft

#humour #work #home

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #sex #humor

Welcome home. Now leave me alone. ↗

— Trish Doller

#home

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it. ↗

— Bill Nye

#find #laugh #more #opportunities #out

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?' Clawing at the roof of her coffin. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#humor

Climate change is happening, humans are causing it, and I think this is perhaps the most serious environmental issue facing us. ↗

— Bill Nye

#change #climate #climate change #environmental #environmental issue