#mo

Honey, if the man is that dense, you can drag that cot he been sleepin' on into your room, nab his clothes, and lay in wait for him. When he comes lookin' for his things, lock the door and settle the matter once and for all. ↗

— Karen Witemeyer

#sneaky #women-having-fun #humor

One slice of key lime pie. Two forks.' I felt Todd’s hand on my arm. 'You’ll thank me later.' No doubt I would. ↗

— Ophelia London

#sexy-humor #humor

Her soul is clear of any red seals, but that won't last long, ' cause Papa's come to play. ↗

— Victoria Scott

#humor #the-collector #humor

Alice doesn't seem to mind because she's laughing too, and biting her lip, all doe-eyed, and tossing her freshly washed hair, and Norton tosses his lovely, glossy hair back, and she tosses her hair in return, and he tosses his, and she tosses hers, and it;s like some mating ritual on a wildlife program. ↗

— David Nicholls

#humor #humor

Last week my boss told me to rewrite a twenty-page proposal on engagement benchmarking. I turned it in and he wrote a note on the cover that just said, "No, no. Not this." I had no idea what he wanted, so I just put it off, and then when he came in this morning and told me he needed the final draft in a half-hour I printed out the exact same one as before, but this time on prettier paper. This afternoon he brought the whole team together to tell everyone I was the perfect example of being able to listen to constructive criticism. ↗

— Jenny Lawson

#work #humor

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ↗

— John Lyman

#humor

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #lol #school #funny

It's obvious which one you are,' Jimmy Hailler tells me as we walk through Hyde Park. 'If it's so obvious why can't I see it.' 'Because you live in your own world and can't see anything.' 'Then which one am I?' 'You're all four. You're constantly bitching things under your breath, you come across bloody stupid because you don't speak, on a particular angle in that uniform on an overcast day with your hair up, you've got that stocky butch thing happening, plus you're pashing other girl's boyfriends which makes you a slut. ↗

— Melina Marchetta

#humor

Horseman. I know you were born back when women were thought of as little more than brood mares and slaves, but it's the twenty-first century, and we can do anything a man does. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#humor #humor

Mom and Dad exchange a nervous glance and have a telepathic conversation about it. I hear every word. Do we let her out? It's past curfew. True, but look at that—at least she asked! I know! I can hardly believe it! She could have sneaked out, but she asked! I know! We're good parents! "What time will you be back?" Dad asks. ↗

— Courtney Summers

#parents #telepathic #humor