#mo

Any lustful fool can love a million women, but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #funny

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #shark #funny

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock. ↗

— Peter S. Beagle

#humor #unicorn #funny

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
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— Jarod Kintz

#alexander-the-great #bizarre #caesar #conquer #funny

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).
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— Jarod Kintz

#cats #choreography #dance #dancing #day

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?
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— Jarod Kintz

#coffee #funny #hold #humor #jockstrap

I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #lust #mirrors #naked

Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment.
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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #high-definition #humor #original #webster-s

You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background? Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments. ↗

— Emma Chase

#funny-smut #humor #romance #funny

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #motivation #today #tomorrow #funny