#mo

I keep telling you, nobody wants legs like a stick insect. They want a bottom they can park in a bike in and balance a pint of beer on. ↗

— Helen Fielding

#humor #humor

Chloe scoffed. "Excuse me, but if this place reeks of body odor, it’s not because of me. I am not the one with the shirt soaked in sweat here." She glanced at me. My cheeks burned. It was one of those moments where you wished the earth could rip open and swallow you whole. "Oh, that’s why I can see your bra," Vincent pointed out, looking at my chest. "Nice boobs by the way." I looked down and almost had a heart attack. In the haste, I’d put a white top over a black bra. ↗

— Tatiana Vila

#humor

A bunch of silly men chasing a ball" my mother says "give each one his own ball if they're so desperate to have one ↗

— Elena Gorokhova

#humor

Since i couldn't remember the "real" first time i'd lost my virginity, this would have become my de facto first time. I wanted a better story then: I did it with this boy who i wasn't very into and who had mysterious Gaterade breath; in his room decorated with sports equipment; at least he was nice enough to provide condoms and get his ancient, horny dog to leave us along. ↗

— Gabrielle Zevin

#gabrielle-zevin #humor #naomi #sex #humor

Its gaze unlocked a room in my nightmares which should have remained closed. ↗

— Patton Oswalt

#humor

I'm so gullible. I'm so damn gullible. And I'm so sick of me being gullible. ↗

— Lana Turner

#humor

I had never ironed anything in my life. The proper pressing of a shirt was a mystery of the universe akin to black holes and dark matter. ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#humor

I shall claim full amends for every fall and stubbed toe, if you do not lead us well. ↗

— J.R.R. Tolkien

#gimli #humor #humor

Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you're a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace - and maybe even glory. ↗

— Tom Robbins

#humor

isaac knows how stupid i find these things, and he finds them just as stupid as i do. like lol. now, if there's anything stupider than buddy lists, it's lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone's laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll, like what a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think any more. loll. loll! ↗

— David Levithan

#ya #humor