#nightlight

The truck is beautiful.” I breathed. I exhaled. Then I breathed again. “Beautiful. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #beauty

This search was fruitless; there were only 62,500,000 results. I was going to have to rely on my own knowledge. Then I thought, why don’t I share that knowledge with the world? I sat back down at the computer and went to the vampire Wikipedia page. I added a sentence to the article: “Edwart Mullen of Switchblade, Oregon, is a vampire, but don’t kill him because I love him!” Then I added a picture of Edwart’s abs. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #love

I want to leave all my friends and the sunlight for a small, rainy town. ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #paranormal-romance #twilight-parody #urban-fantasy #urban-fantasy

No,” said the figure. “You seriously don’t recognize me?” I looked at him closely: the pale face, the cape, the red eyes, the ridiculously large fangs. I couldn’t place him. “Um, do I know you from work?” I strained to remember if he was one of my co-workers. I strained to remember if I had a job. “Goodness gravy, Belle—I sit next to you everyday in English!” “I’m sorry—every face at school kind of blends into one conglomerate dull face except for the face of Edwart Mullen, the love of my life. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #life

Then I had another one of my well-researched epiphanies. His constant use of Purell, his love of video games, his lack of friends, planet gazing, and flail-run. “You’re a zombie,” I gasped. “No. I’m not,” he said. I went back to the vampire theory. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #vampires #zombies

I knew my dad would insist on carrying my twelve bags into the house all by himself, so I ran ahead to my room. It looked familiar. Four walls and a ceiling, just like my old room in Phoenix! Leave it to my dad to find little ways to make me feel at home. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #home

I can’t shop for more clothes, guys. I’m a role model to 1.3 million girls—I have to prove to them that there’s more to life than clothes. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #life

Please come with me to my car, Belle,” he offered gently, limping towards me. “I mean, only if you want to.” “Uh-uh. Not with that attitude.” “Pretty please?” I shook my head disappointedly. “What’s the magic verb form?” “Belle,” he groaned. “We don’t have time for this. Plus I hate when you make me do this.” “Imperative, Edwart. The magic verb form is imperative. You don’t have to hide your natural inclination to boss me around. I want you to feel comfortable with me, Edwart. To the point of domination.” “Okay, okay.” He took a deep breath and pointed at me. “You,” he said stiffly, the words flowing straight from some primordial, bossy wordbank. “Come to the place where you want to go, which, hopefully, is my car, where I will be, God willing.” “All right.” He relaxed. “You’re not angry at me for being domineering? That wasn’t a trick?” “No, Edwart,” I said, leading him to his car. “Get in. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #attitude