#nightlight

After getting dressed, I looked in the mirror. Staring back was a sallowcheeked girl with long, dark hair, pale skin and dark eyes. Just kidding! That would be so scary. Staring back was me. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#harvard-lampoon #nightlight #parody #twilight #funny

Germs contagious, contagious alert! But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt! ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #twilight #humor

He was muscular, like a man who could pin you up against the wall as easily as a poster, yet lean, like a man who would rather cradle you in his arms. He had reddish, blonde-brown hair that was groomed heterosexually. He looked older than the other boys in the room—maybe not as old as God or my father, but certainly a viable replacement. Imagine if you took every woman’s idea of a hot guy and averaged it out into one man. This was that man. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #imagination

Did you notice anything funny about Edwart in class? I think I love him,” I said nonchalantly. “Well, he did look kind of angry when you fell and disconnected his computer charger.” So it wasn’t all in my mind; others had noticed Edwart’s awareness of me. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #funny

You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho's; CEOs and their office ho's; GI Joes and their combat ho's; Gardeners and their garden hose;Firemen and their fire hose... If you ask me, a 'masquerade' theme isn't flattering for anyones features, nor does it define the apppropriate gender roles very clearly. ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#funny #ho-s #nightlight #random #funny

No,” said the figure. “You seriously don’t recognize me?” I looked at him closely: the pale face, the cape, the red eyes, the ridiculously large fangs. I couldn’t place him. “Um, do I know you from work?” I strained to remember if he was one of my co-workers. I strained to remember if I had a job. “Goodness gravy, Belle—I sit next to you everyday in English!” “I’m sorry—every face at school kind of blends into one conglomerate dull face except for the face of Edwart Mullen, the love of my life. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #life

Excuse me,” he said, hoping I would fall in love with him or something. “Your bag is in my way.” I knew it. He was totally the “your-bag-is-in-my-way” type. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #love

Then I had another one of my well-researched epiphanies. His constant use of Purell, his love of video games, his lack of friends, planet gazing, and flail-run. “You’re a zombie,” I gasped. “No. I’m not,” he said. I went back to the vampire theory. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #vampires #zombies

I knew my dad would insist on carrying my twelve bags into the house all by himself, so I ran ahead to my room. It looked familiar. Four walls and a ceiling, just like my old room in Phoenix! Leave it to my dad to find little ways to make me feel at home. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #home

We trekked onwards until the road came to an abrupt stop in the middle of a field. A car rambled up, stopped, and made a twelve-point turn. I skipped to the middle of the field and continued skipping around and around. Never had I felt freer. Never had I belted The Sound of Music louder. It was beautiful. There were glorious weeds everywhere, and those yellow flowers that when you blow on them disappear into white flakes. It was magical. And yet, it looked strangely familiar. “Is this my backyard?” I asked. Edwart stood, leaning against a tree in the woods bordering the meadow. “No, Belle. We’re at least five minutes from your house. ↗

— Harvard Lampoon

#nightlight #parody #twilight #beauty