#ny

What the hell happened to your leg?" Ang asked him. Matt looked down at his shin, which was scraped and oozing and seemed to be caked in mud. "Crashed." "Crashed what?" Ang asked. "My mountain bike. We just got back." "You crashed, then what? Rolled in dirt?" He laughed. "Something like that actually. It's not a successful ride if you don't bleed." He must not have noticed the look of horror on my face, because he asked, suddenly enthusiastic, "You guys ride?"Angelo and I just looked at each other, and he seemed to realize that was a "no." "Too bad. Well, make yourselves at home. Beer's in the fridge. I have to get cleaned up. Kickoff's in ten minutes." "Football?" Angelo asked. Matt looked at his as if he had just asked if the sky was really blue. "Yeah! First game of the regular season!" We just stared blankly at him, and he just laughed and disappeared down the hall. Angelo looked at me with a smile on his face. "Four fags watchin' football. Must be pretty fuckin' cold in hell right now. ↗

— Marie Sexton

#funny #gay #matt #sports #zach

So what can I really do? If you can jump through a two-story window, then what can I do?" "You can do that too. You don't need wings to do it,either. ↗

— Courtney Allison Moulton

#jump #window #wings #funny

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers. ↗

— Eddie Izzard

#hope #funny

No angel, I undress to impress ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick Finale

#funny

Even her pink bunny slippers seem to prick up their ears. ↗

— Sally Harris

#mother #funny

So how's the putrid pile of caca doing? ↗

— Kate Carlisle

#kate-carlisle #robin #funny

I never said you were supposed to be a jailer, i only said a normal person would have questioned why someone would create a decoy nun and then crawl out the window. ↗

— Janette Rallison

#normal #writer #funny

I ran into an old friend on the street and we started up a conversation. Four hours and six bottles of wine later, we decided the weather was just too unpredictable, and we parted ways. ↗

— Bauvard

#friendship #funny #humor #weather #friendship

I need his number,” I announced. “What?” Roxie asked. “Give me his cell number!” I shouted. “Who’s got his number?” Everyone started pulling out their phones. “I have his number,” Indy told me. “I don’t have his number,” Daisy said, but she was still digging through her purse as if she could help. “I wish I had his number,” Tod put in. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#funny

Revenge of the Giant Grill Man. ↗

— Joan Bauer ("Hope Yancey")

#self-explanatory #funny