#ny

He did not go much further, but sat down on the cold floor and gave himself up to complete miserableness, for a long while. He thought of himself frying bacon and eggs in his own kitchen at home - for he could feel inside that it was high time for some meal or other; but that only made him miserabler. ↗

— J.R.R. Tolkien

#funny #miserabler #tolkien #funny

Lindsay calls them the Pugs: pretty from far away, ugly up close. ↗

— Lauren Oliver

#funny

I'd sold my soul to get out of detention. ↗

— Jennifer Lynn Barnes

#toby #unbelievable #funny

I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez! ↗

— Barry Lyga

#humour #nudity #self-consciousness #funny

He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult. ↗

— Seth Grahame-Smith

#honour #pride-and-prejudice-and-zombies #funny

Monogamous musicians are like vegan hockey players. ↗

— Rob Sheffield

#funny

Zombies, deadheads, corpsicles. What's the difference? They don't care. They don't have feelings to hurt. ↗

— Daniel Waters

#funny-yet-mean #generation-dead #funny

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume. ↗

— Jim Benton

#cute #duckling #funny #kitten #laugh

I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God. ↗