#ny

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.  ↗

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka! ↗

Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#wonderland #funny

I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll stutter. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #funny

Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#funny

I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?" "You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't." "There goes my Saturday. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-lost-souls #funny #humor #lambada #magnus-bane

How long have you been standing there?" "Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger." "He deserved it. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#daemon #funny #katy #funny

Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies. ↗

— Claudia Gray

#self-knowledge #temptation #funny

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. ↗

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

#humor #men #relationships #funny

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt. ↗