#nipple

Deep spirit scanning,” Eisfanger says. His voice has a strange resonance to it, like I’m hearing him through a bad phone connection. “Don’t worry, it’s completely safe. Well, mostly.” “Mostly?” “Side effects have been documented,” he admits. “In a very small percentage of cases. Less than two percent.” “What kind of side effects?” Suddenly I’m feeling nauseous. Feels like the ants are crawling around inside me now, which is exactly as disturbing as it sounds. “Memory loss. Synesthesia. And occasionally … vestigial growths.” “So I could forget my own name, start smelling purple everywhere and have an extra nipple sprout from my forehead? ↗

— D.D. Barant

#memory-loss #nipple #side-effects #synesthesia #humor

Why do men have nipples? Because God is a woman and she really wants us to enjoy ourselves, that's why. ↗

— Cameron Dean

#nipples #men

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#celebrity #fame #funny #humor #letter

Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not. ↗

— David Thorne

#nipples #opinions #humor

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #awesome #bar #bizarre #drinking

Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#nipples #secrets #universe #change

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#nipple #simile #truth #funny

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bald #baldness #bond #bonding #eyebrows

I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#breasts #child #coffee #cream #drink