#ny

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage," and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #self-storage #funny

It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #truth #funny

But there's a juicy artery in your groin," he said after a pause to regroup, his voice as slithery as a snake on a slide. "Don't you talk dirty," I told him. "I won't listen to that. ↗

— Charlaine Harris

#salacious-talk #funny

Yeah, this is night Dudders. This is what we call it when it goes all dark like this! *Dudley goes bright red* I mean when you're in bed! Whatdya mean? Am I supposed to be scared of pillows or something? ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#harry-potter #humor #magic #funny

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#funny #humor #funny

If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder. ↗

— Bauvard

#erotomania #funny #love #narcissism #funny

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #boundaries #cartographer #funny #humor

You will not pass!” Roman thundered. Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #gandalf #gunmetal-magic #ilona-andrews #lotr

I didn’t know if I could stop her with one blow. But I could whack the crap out of her. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#funny

The silence protrudes like an engorged stomach, while I ponder the thought of trying to sit on my own lap. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #ponder #surreal #thought