#ny

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers. ↗

— Eddie Izzard

#hope #funny

No angel, I undress to impress ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick Finale

#funny

Even her pink bunny slippers seem to prick up their ears. ↗

— Sally Harris

#mother #funny

So how's the putrid pile of caca doing? ↗

— Kate Carlisle

#kate-carlisle #robin #funny

I never said you were supposed to be a jailer, i only said a normal person would have questioned why someone would create a decoy nun and then crawl out the window. ↗

— Janette Rallison

#normal #writer #funny

I ran into an old friend on the street and we started up a conversation. Four hours and six bottles of wine later, we decided the weather was just too unpredictable, and we parted ways. ↗

— Bauvard

#friendship #funny #humor #weather #friendship

I need his number,” I announced. “What?” Roxie asked. “Give me his cell number!” I shouted. “Who’s got his number?” Everyone started pulling out their phones. “I have his number,” Indy told me. “I don’t have his number,” Daisy said, but she was still digging through her purse as if she could help. “I wish I had his number,” Tod put in. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#funny

Revenge of the Giant Grill Man. ↗

— Joan Bauer ("Hope Yancey")

#self-explanatory #funny

He was fucking with us pretty hard in the saferoom,” Sandra called from the front of the plane’s undercarriage. “Aw, Sandy, that wasn’t fucking,” Simon said. “That was just, I don’t know, really obnoxious foreplay or something. ↗

— M. Chandler

#funny

I fixed your car," he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table. I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. "You fixed my car?" "I have walked the earth for more than a century. I managed to pick up some skills along the way," he said, before reluctantly adding, "and one of them is finding skilled mechanics." I smirked, leaning against the wall. "You almost had me there." "I supervised," he insisted. ↗

— Molly Harper

#gabriel #jane-jameson #molly-harper #nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs #funny