#ny

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was. Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humour #intelligence #stupidity #funny

The 27th letter has always been my favorite letter of the alphabet. But, then, I also love ghost stories, invisible beings, the supernatural, and Bigfoot. Just ask The Mythical Mr. Boo, who’s first name begins with the 27th letter. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bigfoot #funny #ghost-stories #invisible #supernatural

I couldn’t go back to my apartment. I was forever estranged from my place of habit – the carpet I would ash my cigarettes on, the gin bathtub where I would soak to keep my weight down and stir my medicines, the couch full of holes from slippery syringes, the stack of old newspapers I would reread. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #home #funny

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #politics #speeches #funny

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #funny #humor #funny

He sniggered. He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor #laugh #funny

Often stereotypically sandwiched between empty nest syndrome and retirement, rhinoplasty is actually a fluid phase that can occur before, after, or concurrently with any other life stage. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#life-struggles #nose-job #funny

IMBECILE!" the chef shouted. "Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!" "Chef Vlad!" I cried out in delight. ↗

— Kenneth Oppel

#humor #kate #matt #skybreaker #art

Is there somebody out there? Amy, is that you?” her mother called. “No. Tell me this isn’t happening.” Quinn rested his forehead against hers. “Has she got a wiretap on you or something? I swear, she’s like a walking hard-on detector.” Amy bit her lip, trying not to laugh. Quinn levered himself up on his arms. “Mrs. P., if you value your life, you’ll go back inside and turn off the light right now. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humour #romance #funny

Eric: But you already know... Greta: Well, yeah, but I still want us to have The Talk. All daughters get to have The Talk. Eric: Fine. You remember the book "If you give a Mouse a Cookie"? Greta: Ye-es. Eric: It's like that. Greta: No it isn't. Eric: No. It absolutely is... Eric: If you give a boy a kiss, he'll want to touch your cookies. If you let him touch your cookies, he'll want to unwrap them. If you let him unwrap them, he'll want to put them in his mouth. And THEN, if you let him put them in his mouth, the boy will want to pet your kitty. But if you let him pet your kitty, he'll want to see your kitty. And of course, if you let him see your kitty, then he'll want to feed it. And if you let him kiss you, touch your cookies, unwrap your cookies, put them in his mouth, pet your kitty, see your kitty, and feed your kitty, you'll get pregnant unless you make him wear a raincoat on his banana. So it's better if you just kick the boy in the nuts and run over him with the car. Greta: I don't think that's how The Talk usually goes. Eric: No? Greta: No, but it's okay, Dad. I like your version, too. ↗

— J.F. Lewis

#funny