#ny

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #late #stood-up #tardy

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#blemish #funny #grotesque #humor #mustache

Still nothing," Raven answered "This is shitty. We are going to have to invest in heat sensors. These motion detectors blow Satan's left nut. ↗

— Gabrielle Evans

#humor #serious #faith

He said "cool" like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#funny #language #spanish #funny

Making endings sound the same isn’t just bad poetry, it also slanders everyone with a superior posterior. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #poetry #funny

I want to own something that really reflects me as a person. Something like a mirror. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mirror #funny

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male ↗

— Keisha Keenleyside

#humour #random #funny

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#funny #funny

Since the world began has any man ever been able to know what would happen tomorrow? The world of men is today. I'm asking you to open your heart today. Tomorrow belongs to Allah ... ↗

— Paul Bowles

#faith #faith