#o

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times. ↗

— Patrick Rothfuss

#wisdom #humor

Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #redheads #humor

Hey, look—your girlfriend is saying something." Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl? ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor #insults #puberty #humor

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So? ↗

— Bill Bryson

#humor #humor

I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler. ↗

— Ally Carter

#espionage #humor #humor

I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve. ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#boring-books #humorous #humor

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course. Piracy, for example, is a tradition that has been carried on for hundreds of years, but that doesn't mean we should all attack ships and steal their gold. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#piracy #traditional #humor

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ↗

— George Bernard Shaw

#humor #optimism #pessimism #funny

We are not going to die." Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?" No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #motivation #optimism #thomas-raith #waldo-butters