#o

FLUELLEN- Ay, he was porn at Monmouth, Captain Gower. What call you the town's name where Alexander the Pig was born! GOWER- Alexander the Great. FLUELLEN- Why, I pray you, is not pig great? the pig, or the great, or the mighty, or the huge, or the magnanimous, are all one reckonings, save the phrase is a little variations. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#humor

During the years of struggling to make partner, he had sometimes entertained the comical notion that making partner would imbue him with new powers, like a budding superhero who had been bitten by a radioactive spider. It appeared that any superpowers he had gained did not include the ability to pick up women in bars. ↗

— Reece Hirsch

#lawyer #superhero #superpower #humor

When all else fails...try smoking a good cigar and have a stiff drink. If that doesn't work...have another. ↗

— Timothy Pina

#jack #sarcasm #humor

Can I have a glass of water?" Her voice was hoarse, probably from screaming. She'd always sounded like that after they'd- He didn't just force the thought aside. He clubbed it unconscious, threw it into a crawl space and walled it up alive. ↗

— Jennifer Armintrout

#men-and-women #relationships #humor

If I have multiple personalities will I taste better to a zombie, or is the effort simply wasted? I've talked it over with myself, and neither of us could agree if that is true or not!!! ↗

— Neil Leckman

#humor

My secret world of bosom sculpting is crashing down around me. I’m destined for bra-stuffing rehab in a distant boobicus minimus land. I just know it. ↗

— Amy Holder

#humor

A single original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings ↗

— Diogenes of Sinope

#humor #humor

What kind of monster are you anyway? You should be more humane, Gennady!" "I was humane when I was alive," said the vampire. ↗

— Sergei Lukyanenko

#vampire-humor #humor

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#applause #clap #clapping #discipline #funny

Abyssinias "I met a traveler from an antique land Who said: A huge four-footed limestone form Sits in the desert, sinking in the sand. Its whiskered face, though marred by wind and storm, Still flaunts the dainty ears, the collar band And feline traits the sculptor well portrayed: The bearing of a born aristocrat, The stubborn will no mortal can dissuade. And on its base, in long-dead alphabets, These words are set: "Reward for missing cat! His name is Abyssinias, pet of pets; I, Ozymandias, will a fortune pay For his return. he heard me speak of vets -- O foolish King! And so he ran away. ↗

— Henry N. Beard

#humor #ozymandias #percy-bysshe-shelley #humor