#o

Has there ever been anybody, real or fictional, whiter than Betty Crocker? ↗

— Howie Carr

#been #betty #ever #fictional #real

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#busy #characters #could #create #died

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#else #guy #i #i am #me

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! ↗

— Demetri Martin

#fat #spoon #tell #then #you

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! ↗

— Demetri Martin

#asked #big #bite #does #dog

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#allows #because #camera #digital #great

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#honest #i #laugh #more #myself

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#appearing #apple #basket #baskets #because

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#because #believe #breakfast #butter #eat

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#garbage #give #give me #handle #hard