Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#demetri-martin #funny #games #helping-others #humor

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#humor

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#crafts #glitter #herpes #art

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#humor

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#wit #humor

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice? ↗

— Demetri Martin

#humor

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak ↗

— Demetri Martin

#religion #religion

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#because #believe #breakfast #butter #eat

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#honest #i #laugh #more #myself

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#else #guy #i #i am #me