#or

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#bellybutton #humor #humor

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. ↗

— Justin Halpern

#humor

Insurgents throughout Iraq continue to threaten our efforts and pose a danger to stability in the region. They fight not for their country, but rather against ours. ↗

— Paul Gillmor

#continue #country #danger #efforts #fight

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?" "Like hitting on you." "Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee. "What? You think he does?" "Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood." "Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?" "Not enough coffee. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass #morganville-vampires

Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!" Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake." Ayame: "As long as we spend time together." Yuki: "On second thought, go drown yourself. ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#fruits-basket #humor #manga #natsuki-takaya #yuki

When God made man she was practicing. ↗

— Rita Mae Brown

#humor #humor

If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ... ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#pretend #situation #humor

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. ↗

— Albert Einstein

#humor #science #humor

Familiarity breeds contempt and children. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor