#or

Listen to me, convict. I have not traveled all this way to listen to your war stories. So shut your trap before I shut it for you. Commander Julius Root ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor

I think a man's "wordplay" can be so fucking sexy!!! I love a good mind fuck!! ↗

— Junnita Jackson

#humor #intelligence #sex #sexy #wordplay

It's not something you tell your single best friend. It'd be like rubbing your nose in the poop of my happiness. ↗

— Shannon Hale

#humor

There's always a bloody ghost. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor

Stop a minute and listen. I know I'm asking the impossible from you, but for once in your life, shut your mouth and open your ears." "I'm not the one talking." Kyrian snarled at him. "Don't get smart with me." "You want me stupid?" "Nick.... ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

This is the problem with forever friends. They know too much. ↗

— Kristin Hannah

#humor

You know, my sister and I can’t understand what Dawson sees in you. You’re just a silly little human.” His arm shot out so fast it was a blur, picked up a strand of her hair. “And you’re really not even that pretty.” Oh…oh, that stung more than it should have. Tears burned her eyes as she fought to keep her voice level. “I guess it’s a good thing, then. A relationship between us would never work.” His eyes narrowed. “And why is that?” “Because I’m allergic to assholes. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress? ↗

— Will Rogers

#politics #humor

I didn’t know what to do for my project so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something. “What do you have there, Brian?” “It’s a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F’ on it there and let me go home.” “Well, explain it.” “Well, it’s a cup with dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’ You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there. ↗

— Brian Regan

#humor