#or

Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#wisdom #humor

In a manner of speaking. As we intend for you to found a dynasty. And that dynasty will rule society until it has progressed enough to-" "Overthrow the dynasty in a revolutionary, blood filled coup!" Iggy said eagerly. We all looked at him. "Just saying." He sheepishly took a bite of cookie. ↗

— James Patterson

#science #humor

We want Max to... breed. To produce heirs. Who will govern the world after she dies." Dead silence for quite some time. We all stared at Dr. Hans, our jaws dropped to various levels. Our lives had reached a new low of inhumanity. My face flushed. Part of me had assumed, hoped, that if Fang and I lived long enough, we would get married. Maybe have a little flock of our own. But i really hadn't planned it all out. And he was gone now, anyway. How could I possibly ever find someone... My eyes scanned Dylan's face, I saw his discomfort. "Oh, no," I said in horror. "Yes," Angel confirmed. "Freaking unbelievable. ↗

— James Patterson

#mother #humor

I am not worthy." he said softly. "Damn fucking straight," someone growled. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#throe #humor

Who knew Lenny was an encyclopedia for useless information? ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humor

Enjoy your ignorance while you can. ↗

— G. Norman Lippert

#humor

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

Wroth, darling,” she purred, smiling so sweetly. “I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was chewing something free. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#humor #humorous #humor

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#humorous-comebacks #inflation #sarcasm #seller #humor

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people, some of the time, but you can fool yourself anytime you need to badly enough. ↗

— Hilari Bell

#humor