#or

The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #marathon #running #funny

I'm good at blowjob. ↗

— Lauren Baker

#erotic #finding-home #funny-humor #sex #funny

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

Which is your bad shoulder?" His brows knit together. "The left," he said carefully. She slugged him in the right. He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. "Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?" "Damn you," she cried, flying into his arms. Finally. "Damn you, damn you, damn you!" He wrapped his arms around her, held her tight. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was such a coward. ↗

— Cindy Gerard

#cindy-gerard #funny #happy-ending #humor #love

Woman was domesticated so that man could be tamed. When will we unite and rise up against the livestock? ↗

— Bauvard

#domesticity #funny #humor #livestock #love

A loyal American wife should never be without a gun in her purse, just in case her husband turns traitor. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #loyalty #marriage #treachery #funny

A man without debts is a man without anything to live for. Debt is collateral for life. It provides you with obligations to others, gives you duty, gives you purpose: the purpose to protect those possessions which you would not otherwise have without your debt. Debt is the most responsible way to elevate your social position. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #life #responsibility #funny

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny