#or

Hello toes," I say. They're good toes. I like that they're long and slender and not the slightest bit stubby. I wiggle them, ten unstubby waves that say, "And hello to you, Human Host!" Except they're toes. I'm talking to my toes. Maybe I'm not bored... maybe I'm lonely? ↗

— Lauren Myracle

#humor

Yep, ouch. He and apologies didn’t get along. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#humor

She was blissfully unaware of her peril. ↗

— Anne Taintor

#marriage #humor

We hate it when our friends become successful. ↗

— Morrissey

#lyrics #music #humor

The British nation is unique in this respect: they are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst. ↗

— Winston Churchill

#british #humor #humor

Did you ever wish you had a book that would explain the full meaning of life's random happenings to you? ↗

— Mariko Tamaki

#life #random #humor

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind. ↗

— Eugene Mirman

#pets #humor

She placed her make-up bag in front of her, opened it, then ignored the contents. She used it for show and always as a warning to the body that she may one day use it! ↗

— Nicholas Reardon

#humor #manga #reardon #ya #humor

Mankind's biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind's second, infallible. ↗

— M.T. Dismuke

#humor #hypocrisy #sigh #thank-you #humor

My sex life is okay." "Yeah," Morelli said. "But sometimes it's fun to have a partner. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#joe-morelli #stephanie-plum #humor