#p

I waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll stutter. ↗

— Ned Vizzini

#sadness #suicide #funny

The good Watson had at that time deserted me for a wife, the only selfish action I can recall in our association. I was alone. ↗

— Arthur Conan Doyle

#friendship

Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies. ↗

— Claudia Gray

#self-knowledge #temptation #funny

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. ↗

— Zsa Zsa Gabor

#humor #men #relationships #funny

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#nipple #simile #truth #funny

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bicycle #breakfast #exercise #funny #humor

It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out. ↗

— C.S. Lewis

#funny

I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they? ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#cool #desire #erotic #erotica #funny

I'm glad you think this is funny." "You're not happy to see me, then?" Jace asked. "I have to say, I'm surprised. I've always been told my presence brightened up any room. One might think that went doubly for dank underground cells. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#quip #simon-lewis #funny

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#future #sleep #time-machine #funny