#s

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one. ↗

— Tina Fey

#humor #whitney-houston #funny

If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #shark #funny

Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #love #funny

It's a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful. ↗

— Roald Dahl

#parents #funny

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it. ↗

— Francine Pascal

#cool #ed-fargo #fearless #funny #death

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alexander-the-great #bizarre #caesar #conquer #funny

Be ruthless about protecting writing days, i.e., do not cave in to endless requests to have "essential" and "long overdue" meetings on those days. The funny thing is that, although writing has been my actual job for several years now, I still seem to have to fight for time in which to do it. Some people do not seem to grasp that I still have to sit down in peace and write the books, apparently believing that they pop up like mushrooms without my connivance. I must therefore guard the time allotted to writing as a Hungarian Horntail guards its firstborn egg. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#j-k-rowling #writers #writing #writing-inspiration #funny

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cats #choreography #dance #dancing #day

Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.' Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.' Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.' Stark~ 'Deal.' Zoey~ 'Deal. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#stark #zoey #funny

...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #funny #funny