#so

Anderson Cooper every night dreams about getting my job permanently really. ↗

— Regis Philbin

#anderson #cooper #dreams #every #every night

When are four women ever happy for another woman getting something they'd love to have? Tell me that. ↗

— Regis Philbin

#another woman #ever #four #getting #happy

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. ↗

— Emo Philips

#costume #dress #get #little #live

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. ↗

— Emo Philips

#just #leather #mornings #seem #some

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. ↗

— Emo Philips

#been #day #devil #family #family member

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. ↗

— Emo Philips

#chewing #just #leather #mornings #some

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ↗

— Emo Philips

#dollars #down #feel #fifth #fifty

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. ↗

— Emo Philips

#got #i #me #new #other

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. ↗

— Emo Philips

#evil #i #incompetence #like #office

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. ↗

— Emo Philips

#gave #guns #our #school #searched