#su

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alone #bizarre #funny #hog #humor

I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world's first everlasting cigarette. It'll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cigarette #everlasting #funny #humor #immortality

The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#blindfolded #car #friends #friendship #funny

If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love. ↗

— Michel de Montaigne

#because #friendship #good #good marriage #love

You're so far off base this time you can't even see the base! ↗

— Eileen Wilks

#insult #humor

Tris," he says. "What did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic." "That's not very nice of you to say," I say. "They put me in a good mood, that's all. And now I really want to kiss you, so if you could just relax- ↗

— Veronica Roth

#four #funny #insurgent #tobias-and-tris #tobias-eaton

But Amy," Elder says. "Space suits! ↗

— Beth Revis

#funny #funny

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. ↗

— Woody Allen

#funny

It's sometimes funny to watch some people doing something the wrong way but doing it confidently. Even more funny, they succeeded. ↗

— Toba Beta

#fun #funny #succeeded #watch #watching

Yesterday, at the company party, I made a joke and everyone laughed and said, “Hey, now there’s the Jarod Kintz we all know and love.” and I smiled, but inside I thought, “Actually, the Jarod Kintz you know and love was my clone, who I had to murder because he kept eating all my leftovers. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clones #funny #humor #laughed #murder