#t

The bat was looking at Theo and Theo was having trouble following his own thoughts.The bat was wearing tiny sunglasses.Ray Bans,Theo could see by the trademark in the corner of one lens."I'm sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, could you take the bat off your head.It's very distracting." Him." Pardon?" It's a him.Roberto.He no like the light. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor #humor

If you make friends with yourself, you'll never be alone. ↗

— Maxwell Maltz

#friends #friendship #loneliness #solitude #friendship

Sarah turned her narrow-eyed gaze on him, making me glad once more that Antimony's comic books got it wrong, and telepaths can't actually kill you with their brains. Give you a whopping headache and earworm you with annoying jingles, yes; kill you, no. (Although sometimes, when she's managed to stick "The Happy Banana Song" in my head for a week, I sort of wish she could kill people with her brain. It would be kinder.) ↗

— Seanan McGuire

#humor #telepathy #humor

Without the Project I was nothing but a secretary on a road to nowhere, drifting toward frosted hair and menthol addiction. ↗

— Julie Powell

#humor #secretary #humor

You're a big help, Mr. I Read So Many Books. ↗

— Laura Ruby

#sarcastic #humor

Whatis ur definition of skan?" I ask A skank fucks skeezas she barely knows. ↗

— Megan McCafferty

#teen #humor

That, they never could lay their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never tolerate the idea of their wives laying their heads upon their pillows; that, they could never endure the notion of their children laying their heads on their pillows; in short , that there never more could be , for them or theirs , any laying of heads upon pillows at all , unless the prisioner's head was taken off. The Attorney General during the trial of Mr. Darnay ↗

— Charles Dickens

#dickens #funny #heads #humor #funny

My life was dark, torture and empty before you found me. You brought the light, Red. I love you. ↗

— M.A. Stacie

#relationships #romance #life

When we got to the moron who was sitting in the only path to the stairway, Adam caught my waist and lifted me over before stepping over the man himself. “Scott?” Adam said as we headed upstairs. “Yeah?” “Unless someone shoots you, skins you, and throws the results on the floor, I don’t want to see you lying in the walkway again.” “Yessir! ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#humor #mercy-thompson #silver-borne #threats #humor

Our department takes 1,120 calls every day. Do you know how many of the calls the public expects perfection on? 1,120. Nobody calls the fire department and says, 'Send me two dumb-ass firemen in a pickup truck.' In three minutes they want five brain-surgeon decathlon champions to come and solve all their problems. ↗

— John Eversole

#humor #humor