#ted

You'll notice you don't have both feet on the ground when you don't have any friends around ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#faults #friendship #life #reality #friendship

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#attempted-murder #authorities #choke #choking #crime

I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.
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— Jarod Kintz

#alcohol #bizarre #drink #freeze #froze

You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated." "I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for. ↗

— Derek Landy

#funny #humour #violated #funny

It’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#successful #twisted-logic #funny

How did you do it?" I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. "How did you guide Sophie's soul? I thought you were a reaper." "He's both," Nash said from behind me, and I turned just as he followed my father through the front door, pulling his long sleeves down one at a time. He and my dad had just loaded Aunt Val's white silk couch into the back of my uncle's truck, so he wouldn't have to deal with the bloodstains when he and Sohie got back from the hospital. "Tod is very talented." Tod brushed the curl back from his face and scowled. Harmony spoke up from the kitchen as the oven door squealed open. "Both my boys are talented." "Both?" I repeated, sure I'd heard her wrong. Nash sighed and slid onto the chair his mother had vacated, then gestured toward the reaper with one hand. "Kaylee, meet my brother, Tod. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#kaylee #tod #totally-unexpected #funny

A blanket, coupled with an impressive erection, could serve as a suitable replacement for a lost tent at next year’s “Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used to trick a bull into charging at you. After you trick the bull, trick a bear next, and then by that time all the investors will be playing your game, not even knowing that you are the Blanket Master that controls the world.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

In a sad twist of fate, the bill to reauthorize the Patriot Act was debated on the floor of the House of Representatives the same day that terrorists struck again. ↗

— Jim Sensenbrenner

#again #bill #day #debated #fate