#time

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#about #be nice #behavior #chased #day

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it. I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband. ↗

— Thurgood Marshall

#die #expect #husband #i #intend

You can sometimes get your own feelings across more strongly if you pretend that you're singing it from someone else's angle. But it's always from me. It's just a new way of framing it. ↗

— Chris Martin

#always #angle #else #feelings #framing

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' ↗

— Demetri Martin

#busy #characters #could #create #died

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#because #believe #breakfast #butter #eat

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#employee #example #good #good example #how

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#building #choose #down #elevator #escalator

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#confusing #die #fun #i #other

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#comfortable #gets #i #less #like

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#as far as #far #favorite #go #peter