#u

Scully-' 'I screwed up.' Her hands again. 'Damnit, I screwed up.' 'Nope' [Mulder] said... 'If I was dead, then you would have screwed up.' She saw the grin. 'Then I'd have to haunt you.' 'Mulder that's not funny.' 'But you don't believe in ghosts and goblins... ↗

— Charles Grant

#funny

Shit down your computer, and restart. ↗

— Claire Chilton

#funny-quotes #i-t-quotes #techie-quotes #typo-quotes #funny

I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist? ↗

— Joe Dunthorne

#kissing #funny

Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself. ↗

— Victor Gischler

#funny #funny

You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard. ↗

— Wendelin Van Draanen

#hehe #funny

That's the funny thing about America--the blessed thing. As many people as there are to hold you back, there are angels whose humanity makes up for all the others. I've had my share of angels. ↗

— Abraham Verghese

#funny

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

Not to alarm you or anything, but I think you just made a deal with a Mexican gang." I've read Simone Elkeles books. I know how this whole garage as a front thing works. Fate Succumbs ↗

— Tammy Blackwell

#funny-quotes #funny

Returning his pen to its holder, he told us, 'I will have him gutted with that scythe. I will hang him by his own intestines.' At this piece of dramatic exposition, I could not hep but roll my eyes. A length of intestines would not carry the weight of a child, much less a full grown man. ↗

— Patrick deWitt

#funny

Which is your bad shoulder?" His brows knit together. "The left," he said carefully. She slugged him in the right. He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. "Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?" "Damn you," she cried, flying into his arms. Finally. "Damn you, damn you, damn you!" He wrapped his arms around her, held her tight. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was such a coward. ↗

— Cindy Gerard

#cindy-gerard #funny #happy-ending #humor #love