#u

This phrase did not have the ring of verisimilitude because I am famously bad at math. If I'm in charge of tipping at a restaurant, the waiter will either fall to his knees in gratitude or slash my tires. There ain't no Mr. In Between. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#humor

Latin is already a dead language, man... don't make it any deader. ↗

— Jerry Scott

#language #latin #zits #humor

There's too much of that where-every-prospect-pleases-and-only-man-is-vile stuff buzzing around for my taste. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor

Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity. ↗

— John Kennedy Toole

#humour #humor

Believe in your heart. That's what I always do. ↗

— Napolean Dynamite

#humor

...the divided world of Aspen, where locals with a sense of entitlement were pitted against developers with a sense of condominiums. ↗

— Steve Martin

#humor

I growl with frustration at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is fifty shades messed up. Why is it so kinky and out of control? I need to stop sleeping with it wet. As I brush my long brown hair, the girl in the mirror with the brown eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait... my eyes are blue! It dawns on me that I've been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is fine. ↗

— Fanny Merkin

#humor

My stomach is tied up in so many knots it could make a boy scout envious. ↗

— Colleen Hoover

#humor

I swear, sometimes talking to you is like trying to converse with a tree. A very big, very solid, very male tree. ↗

— Julie Ann Walker

#humor

And what the fuck were you doing parading around in those jeans and that shirt last—” “Parading?” “You are not allowed to put on your fuck-me clothes if I ain’t there to do the fucking! ↗

— Mary Calmes

#humor