#um

If we adopted Jack," I quip, "we'd have to give him combat pay for an allowance ↗

— Daven Anderson

#family #humor #vampire #family

Hugh refused to leave the scene of the action. He seated himself on the top stair in the hall, banged his head against the railing a few times, just by way of uncorking the vials of his wrath, and then subsided into gloomy silence, waiting to declare war if more “first girl babies” were thrust upon a family already surfeited with that unnecessary article. ↗

— Kate Douglas Wiggin

#tantrums #family

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays. ↗

— Beth Bloom

#funny #humor #pig-latin #silly #vampire

You know you're young when someone asks you for money and you take it as a compliment. ↗

— David Sedaris

#family

You stick a bunch of drunken murderers together, ain't long before some turn to thieving, then to lying, then to bad language, and pretty soon to sobriety, raising families and making an honest living. ↗

— Joe Abercrombie

#satire #slippery-slope #family

I am a philanthropist. I hand my clothes down to customers at half the price they would get them from their families. Even with all the discounts I give, my non-profit chain is highly lucrative. ↗

— Bauvard

#fashion #funny #humor #non-profit #philanthropy

You remember that illuminated text over the dining-room door--"The Lord Will Provide." We've painted it out, and covered the spot with rabbits. It's all very well to teach so easy a belief to normal children, who have a proper family and roof behind them; but a person whose only refuge in distress will be a park bench must learn a more militant creed than that. ↗

— Jean Webster

#family

Despite being what would now be called a deprived child in a one parent family, I did not grow up with an urge to smash windows or to bash old ladies over the head in order to steal handbags. ↗

— Eva Hart

#growing-up #humor #life #single-parenting #family

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

‎Does anyone truly understand females? ...Their behavior is opposite of everything in the natural order and flies in the face of logic. ↗

— Mary Lydon Simonsen

#females #human #lydon #mary #mr-darcy