#um

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious! ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez! ↗

— Barry Lyga

#humour #nudity #self-consciousness #funny

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume. ↗

— Jim Benton

#cute #duckling #funny #kitten #laugh

Willpower subverts passion. Bureaucracy subverts willpower. Idiocy subverts bureaucracy. ↗

— Bauvard

#desire #funny #humor #idiots #willpower

It's funny how things work out sometimes. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#funny

Give up your dreams; you'll accomplish more without sleep. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #goals #humor #dreams

I won't consider getting horizontal with someone I can barely tolerate when we're vertical. ↗

— Nora Roberts

#sex-humour #funny

I prefer a huge tome to a sharp epigram: only blunt words can hurt dull people ↗

— Bauvard

#epigrams #funny #humor #funny

They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared to have swept up the lawn and broken at the wall. From Indigo's window a multicolored rope of knotted bedsheets came snaking out and ended among the cushions. As Micheal and Caddy watched, a mattress emerged and fell to the ground, followed by a rain of pillows. "Indigo!" shouted Caddy, jumping out of the car. Indigo's and Rose's heads appeared in the window above. "It's all right, Caddy!" Indigo called cheerfully. "We've been doing it all the time you've been gone." "We keep finding more stuff to land on!" added Rose. "Look! ↗

— Hilary McKay

#jumping #kids #silly #family

I belong, and my penis, it be long.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #penis #silly #funny