#us

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#humor

Throughout life try to remember...to always keep your head up high and your middle finger higher! ↗

— Timothy Pina

#humor

I should think this a gull, but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it; knavery cannot, sure, hide himself in such reverence. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#humor

It's just going to add to him thinking that I am a crazy, wanky, greenie, hybriddriving hippie," I complained. "Has he seen your bomb of a car?" Fran asked in disbelief. "Greenpeace arranges a protest every time it leaves your driveway. ↗

— Sean Kennedy

#humor

And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up. ↗

— Amy Lane

#masturbation #nsfw #humor

Have you ever noticed that folks will say ‘Look, he has his mama’s eyes’ or ‘his daddy’s nose,’ but they never say ‘We’re so proud! Look! He’s hung just like grampa’?” - Zach McKnight ↗

— Suzie Quint

#humor

I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #music #song #humor

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. "We're supposed to be celebrating our two-week anniversary tonight." "Uh, news for you, honey - two weeks is no anniversary." "What should I tell him? I don't even want to go." "Tell him you just got a new bra and it's shy around strangers. ↗

— Robin Brande

#humor #humor

Diazapam (that's valium), temazepam, lithium, ECT, HRT - how long must I stay on this stuff? Don't give me anymore! ↗

— Morrissey

#life #lyrics #music #humor

Thank God Roxane Coss had not fallen in love with one of the Russians. She doubted they could make it up the stairs without stopping for a cigarette and telling at least one loud story that no one could understand. ↗

— Ann Patchett

#russians #humor