#masturbation

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#communicator #funny #humor #improvement #language

Private moments held not a candle to coitus, not even the expensive kind of candle that made the whole room smell of far off seasons. ↗

— Thomm Quackenbush

#sex #dreams

The difference between a self-induced orgasm and an orgasm given by a man is like comparing a rainy day and a rain storm. Rain was a sure thing, you knew exactly what you were going to get: a clean and crisp, both sweet and refreshing experience. But rainstorms were unpredictable, they were riddled with surprises, messy and wet; they were something you had no control over. ↗

— Madeline Sheehan

#orgasm #sex #experience

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. ↗

— Craig Ferguson

#masturbation #poem #poetry #thanksgiving #food

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to! ↗

— Al Franken

#humor #masturbation #sex #freedom

I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#politics #life

If I'm going to merely ramble, maybe I should just snuggle under the warm covers, think of Miu, and play with myself. ↗

— Haruki Murakami

#masturbation #rambling #love

Sex without love is nothing more than a complex form of masturbation. ↗

— August Clearwing

#masturbation #sex #love

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh. ↗

— Mark Twain

#farting #flatulence #masturbation #onanism #self-abuse

And if I had a clone of myself, I’d seriously consider giving up my crime fighting to settle down in a serious relationship. Even though it would be a same sex relationship, dating your own clone definitely isn’t gay. And even though you are related to yourself, dating your own clone is not incest either. It’s merely self-love. It’s more like masturbation mixed with conversation. How many times have you longed for a talking penis? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #masturbation #dating