#masturbation

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'. ↗

— Craig Ferguson

#masturbation #poem #poetry #thanksgiving #food

If I'm going to merely ramble, maybe I should just snuggle under the warm covers, think of Miu, and play with myself. ↗

— Haruki Murakami

#masturbation #rambling #love

The clitoris is pure in purpose. It is the only organ in the body designed purely for pleasure. The clitoris is simply a bundle of nerves: 8,000 nerve fibers, to be precise. That’s a higher concentration of nerve fibers than is found anywhere else in the male or female body, including the fingertips, lips, and tongue, and it is twice, twice, twice the number in the penis. Who needs a hand gun when you’ve got a semi-automatic? ↗

— Eve Ensler

#masturbation #design

Masturbation is not the happiest form of sexuality, but the most advisable for him who wants to be alone and think. I detect the aroma of this pleasant vice in most philosophers, and a happily married logicians is almost a contradiction in terms. So many sages have regarded Woman as temptress because fornication often leads to marriage, which usually leads to children, which always leads to a respectable job and pretending to believe the idiocies your neighbors believe. The hypocrisy of the sages has been to conceal their timid onanism and call it celibacy. ↗

— Robert Anton Wilson

#masturbation #onanism #marriage

The Greatest thing about masturbation is that it is always available. I wager that many a condemn man has consoled himself this way during the night before his execution. ↗

— Robert Anton Wilson

#nature

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#communicator #funny #humor #improvement #language

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh. ↗

— Mark Twain

#farting #flatulence #masturbation #onanism #self-abuse

Remember how it felt yesterday? What you saw me do?” I snorted and grinned. “Man, do I ever. I remembered twice last night and again this morning. ↗

— Missy Welsh

#innuendo #masturbation #humor

Masturbation is love in a microwave. Be sure to use plenty of plastic wrap. ↗

— Bauvard

#masturbation #microwaves #love

And now Kit’s cock—which had mostly been used for taking a leak before that moment—woke up and screamed I WANT! FEED ME ASSHOLE! And Kit had given it a good handshake until it threw up. ↗

— Amy Lane

#masturbation #nsfw #humor