#y

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor #misattributed #philosophy #theology #humor

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. ↗

— George Carlin

#insanity #lies #lying #self-indulgence #truth

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you. ↗

— Rita Mae Brown

#insanity #humor

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources ↗

— Albert Einstein

#humor #misattributed #humor

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? ↗

— Mark Twain

#common #eighteen #had #humanity #most

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ↗

— George Carlin

#anyone #driving #ever #faster #going

Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #mortal-instruments #simon #vampire #humor

Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression. "Are you all right?" Simon asked, with some concern. "Your eyes are crossing. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#clary-fray #humor #simon-lewis #humor

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. ↗

— Mark Twain

#humor #memory #humor

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bald #baldness #bond #bonding #eyebrows