#y

That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory.” “Question a plant?” “Trees have a will too, just like people. We have to know it’s purpose. Read Schopenhauer.” “Schopenwho?” “He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too far. Now just generalize that necessity to every human being. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #schopenhauer #trees #will #funny

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#earn #funny #praise #funny

Great minds think alike-especially when they are female. ↗

— Christina Dodd

#dowager-queen #funny #funny

Gliding down the bike path on a Saturday morning, you whip by somebody peddling in the opposite direction and give each other a nod. For a moment it's like "Hey, we're both doing the same thing. Let's be friends for a second. ↗

— Neil Pasricha

#funny #like-mindedness #funny

Right now I'm doing four shows at a time, trying to read four outlines every week, four scripts every week, and watching four rough cuts; it's a lot of good work. It's fun to do it, but it does wear you out. ↗

— Aaron Spelling

#does #doing #every #four #fun

At least you left out the oh-my-God sauce this time." "Made myself a batch with it," Shane said. "It's got the biohazard sticker on it in the fridge, so don't bitch if you get flamed. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#chilli #funny #morganville-vampires #funny

You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually. ↗

— John Green

#funny #late #show-up #smart #funny

I'd feel a whole lot better about the two of us if you didn't think I was the go-to guy for breaking and entering. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #shane #funny

Vanilla has become too genericized. It’s become standard, which is good. Vanilla is a household name. But the same standardization that’s made it so popular has taken the novelty out of it. Being the vanguard of ice cream has vanquished its radical sensation. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#commonplace #funny #ice-cream #vanilla #funny

People are funny. They want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church. —Mrs. Miracle ↗

— Debbie Macomber

#mrs-miracle #people #funny