Died Confessions

I do not know what to do and I feel so guilty right now. My mother passed away in 2011 and I held her in my arms when she died. After the funeral, the rumours started. Even my sister, who is now not a part of my life anymore because I cut her out, accused me of killing our mother. This was especially hard for me. And now, 8 years later, I still have to listen to those accusations. They say that I treated my mother badly and that I had hit her. I have to disagree. No, I did not! I never hit my mom, but I of course was not the picture perfect son. I made mistakes and I am very sorry for them. I do not pray as often as others might do, but I think about mom all the time. I look after my mother's grave and bring flowers regularly and when I am there I am talking to her and asking her for forgiveness for all the mistakes I made.
Do you think she can hear me?
I think I might be a murderer after all... Am I a bad person? I start to think that I am. I would like to apologize here once more for how I treated my mother some times. I was a teenager and had my own head. I asked for her forgiveness, but is that enough?
Shortly after she died she visited me in my dreams, but now everything is empty. There are only nightmares.
But I will try to get better. To get a better person.
I promise, Mom.
xx

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