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I used to have a dream, I used to know what I wanted from life, it was everything I could ask.
Of course i never could reach it and I know I never will. So here I am, almost six years after realizing that, still weeping about it.
I thought that after fully understanding how impossible it is I would've given up, but I can't. I don't have anything else to strive for, every day is meaningless and I see nothing worth living for in my future.
I hate my job, I can't even run away from suicidal thoughts anymore. I was told I'd stop caring eventually, I'd accept my situation and the pain will be numb.
Why isn't it happening?
I am too weak to face a life where I'm not what I wanted to be, and I know this is just me being childish and unreasonable.
I believed in that dream, I based the whole vision of my life on that, now I'm empty.
I just wished I could simply die from an unavoidable cause, or give up completely on that stupid impossible dream and accept a meaningless life. But I can't.
I don't have the strength to give up or kill myself and I hate my weak self, I hate myself more than anything else in this world. But I can't change, I couldn't in these years and it's already too late to accomplish anything.
Why can't I be normal and be fine with a random job? Why do I have to ask myself the reason I'm living for constantly and never find a convincing answer?
I wished I didn't waste my life following a chimera, now I'm left with nothing to rebuild myself on. No titles, no papers for my studies and I can't do nothing well enough to make a living out of it. I'm not even suited for my current job and I fear I'm gonna lose it soon.
The more i go ahead in life the scarier it gets, I don't want to live another five years like this, let alone sixty or more. Yet there is no other way and I know it, so why is it that I keep suffering like this?
I guess I just had to be born an idiot, I'm not meant to live. I am not strong enough to make it in society and this is the natural selection telling me I'm broken, thus I am to be discarded.
This whole vent never got anywhere, and I guess it might irritate some people, so I'll stop it here. I wonder when was it that I took a stray path, maybe it was when I started to dream in the first place.
Or more probably I was wrong from the start. The early adulthood should be the prime of one's life, I've been wanting to die since I was twelve and my prime time is almost over. I guess I was supposed to start enjoying life somewhere along the line but I only did for a bit less than a year. Other that that it was just a free fall into darkness.
I'd like to say I'm at my limit but I know myself better than that. My limit is still far away and so is the ending of my suffering.
Okay so this secret is kind of a mess and a big one so stay with me...
When I was around 11-12 I had met my cousins for the first time (I'm 17 going on 18 as of this new year) and there were two of them. A boy who was a couple years older than me and a girl, one year older than me. After I met them we all started getting along so well, or so I thought. My female cousin was always off in her own world so we didn't bond all the time and my other cousin, we just didn't click. One night while staying at their house, I was sleeping and dreamt that my older cousin raped me or something along those lines. I know, I'm fucked up and gross but in the dream I was enjoying it. The next morning I woke up and my underwear was wet. That year I never looked at him the same. The next year, I started having dreams about my other cousin. They'd be me forcing myself on her or her forcing herself on me I don't know why! I hated her so much, we didn't talk like at all, and I was NOT attracted to her.
As the years went by I have became paranoid and resented being around them because I felt like the odd one out and when they have only ignored my existence since we met. Nowadays, I don't speak to them at all (for reasons that are another confession time) and I'm quite happy. I realized I liked females and am currently going on 4 years with my girlfriend.
I just hope I'm not the only one who had weird incestual ass dreams at a young age when I wasn't even 1% interested in that. Hell, I don't even watch porn but hopefully this confession will wash away any leftover guilt I'm feeling.
I have an best friend and until now were still friends. He confessed to me that he's had an sex fantasy of me blow jobbing him. He said it started last month before he confessed to me, I told him what was the reason why he was horny towards me, but he just said it's because of my legs. Seriously I told him to stop it, and I told him that I would never wear shorts again, because he's been too touchy nowadays. I don't know if he's still having an sex fantasy of me. Blehhh
My fiancé and i jut found out that i am six weeks pregnant.
lately I've been having these weird dreams about cheating on him with friends, ex boyfriends, strangers, anybody.
i love him, and i don't know why my subconscious is putting these images in my brain..
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