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Sometimes I just wanna buy a lot of spicy chicken strips, potato salad, a six pack at the local raley's and eat until I have a fat attack. Sometimes I'd like to eat donuts and drink icy cold milk or chocolate eclairs or some sort of rich pastries. MMMMM! Makes my mouth water!
I am a very heavy person and I always have been and I really like to change but I guess not strong enough? Because I still keep doing what I am doing without thinking about the consequences. I am eating and eating and stuffing my face and I am so fat but I cannot change it. I am not strong enough or something I guess and I love food I mean LOVE FOOD. I could never go on a diet and sports does not work for me either. I guess I might be just too lazy but I am still waiting on the motivation to turn my life around but it just does not come you know.
Im a terrible person. Those women most men want but can’t get? I got them. They would chase after me. But they judged me. They saw every tiny flaw. I had to stay cut. Dress well. I was compared to men in movies. So I judged them too. Most had to look incredible. I only made exceptions for people who I felt emotions for. But I broke their hearts. I’m having a really hard time forgiving myself. I broke an amazing womans heart. She was my forever. I fucked it up. Then somehow an incredible woman from my past was in my life again. I told her she needed to lose weight & to find someone else. I didn’t mean it. I was just hurting her so she’d hate me & find someone better. I don’t want anyone else to waste their love on me. Why do I hurt people who love me? But I’m not going to hate myself. For some reason a lot of random people in the world are happy when I’m around. I don’t know why. But if I quit, I’m telling them to quit. They need to see me strong. I think I look like one of those super hero's in movies. I think I make people feel safe. So I must try for them. Just don’t fall in love with me ladies. I’m not worth loving. I may look like a dream. But looks are all I have. All those women who just wanted sex with me, I get it now. Thats really all I am. Just a great moment. That guy who looked like a movie star & was amazing in bed. I spend hours in foreplay. Hours of passion. But then I’m just some guy. Its not them. Its me. Probably my fucked up childhood. I do wish I could undo the pain I caused to women who loved me. I feel that pain. Had I just felt it before I hurt them. I wish I could undo the tears I caused. But life isn’t about quitting. Its about being strong for others. So I’m going to try to fight for others if I can. Even if I have to spend the rest of my days alone. It looks like that is my future. I didn’t want that again. But love is sacrifice for others. No one else has to love or want me. I will love them anyways. I will try. But I’ve hid the truth from them. I’m very sick. I don’t know how much more I have left. But a hero never stops. I probably do need to lose weight. People always point that out. Even strangers. Isn’t it funny when a stranger tells you how great you look, but then points out your fat & need better clothes. Then I turn around and do that too. Hopefully I will change that about myself. But I need to lose weight. No one wants to stare at a chunky sexy guy.
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