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I don't know exactly how it started, or why I started.
All I know is that after that first time it led down a dangerous path I just can't seem to come off of.
At first, I would never have considered my case to be a serious problem. I would just do it here and there. I thought I'd have to do it many more times in order for it to become an actual problem.
The first time I remember making myself throw up was at work.
Yup, work.
I know I did it before that, but for some reason thats the first time I can recall. My boss had bought me a mint chip milkshake and I gladly finished it. A few minutes after I did I was filled with anxiety. I knew what I had to do. I went in the bathroom and quietly tried to make myself throw up.
I had to be no older than 14. At this time I had just lost a significant amount of weight( the healthy way), and I had to keep it off. From then on I battled extreme weight fluctuations and anxiety and guilt about eating.
Like I said, I never really considered myself to have a serious problem. I could go months without thinking about throwing up and wouldn't want to bury myself in a hole after eating some ice cream. I
t was the occasional ate way too much at dinner and then making myself not feel full after. After I ate a lot, I had the overwhelming urge to take a shower.
This is where I would make myself throw up. So, no one could hear me and the clean up was easy. It was weird, after I discovered the shower was a much easier place to purge, my skin just itched to take a shower after eating. I realized I was in a vicious cycle when I said to myself "Well, I'm going to make myself throw up tonight, so might as well keep eating."
This continued on and off for all of high school. It wasn't until my freshman year at college that things got really bad. I went into college excited as ever.
Ready to make new fiends, enjoy my freedom, start fresh. At one point I even thought the long distance relationship with Henry would work out… but that quickly changed.
Everything was perfect until right after fall break. I had lost a little weight (healthily) and went back for fall break a health 115 lbs, feeling great. I even thought the visit home to Henry went well. Then things changed.
Everything in my life completely turned around. I had to get my appendix removed suddenly.
Besides the extreme pain it caused, it took a lot of me with it. Missed a week of school, grades went down. Missed homecoming, halloween and weekends out. Goodbye new friends. Couldn't exercise for 2 weeks, goodbye in shape body. And Henry slowly fell off the map and we stopped talking. That surprised me a lot. He went from missing me and always talking to me to thinking that the best way to get over me was to forget about me.
Maybe he was right. Maybe it was for the best.
Long distance relationships in college just don't work. But then I didn't care. I just wanted him in my life.
Because I couldn't work out, I was terrified of gaining weight. I cut my calories significantly to make up for the lack of movement in my life.
This is when my "eating disorder" went from more bulimic to anorexic. It kills me to even type those words. One of the worst things that could've happened was me finding an app on my phone that keeps track of calories.
I would record absolutely everything in this app. I would even keep track of the calories in gum and multi-vitamins. My "goal" calories would be 1,200. But it would be a bad day in my eyes if my number even came close to that. I would be happy if my net calories at the end of the day was 200. (including the calories burned from working out..and I never missed a workout day.)
A typical day of eating for me would be an apple for breakfast, a few celery stick or carrots for lunch and a salad for dinner. This salad would be about the size of my hand. Or a few pieces of steamed broccoli. And I would feel guilty if I ate it all.
At this time in my life I think I was depressed. Im not really sure if I was, I just know I was miserable. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to socialize with anyone.
I avoided talking to people. I counted the days until I was able to go home. The only things I seemed to have think about were what I was going to eat the next day, and when. And Henry, somewhere in the back of my head I thought when I came home we were going to end up back together. I couldn't pass a mirror without lifting up my shirt and staring at my stomach, thinking that I needed to make it smaller. Sometimes when I would stand up I would get extremely dizzy and my vision would go black. Once, I even fell over and bashed my head on a door knob. Then came thanksgiving break. First thing I did when I landed was text Henry. He made up some excuse why he couldn't hang out… weird.
He's the one who told me to "wait". I don't want to go into too much detail about me and Henrys relationship, but to a certain extent he played a role in how my life changed.
When I first saw my family I could sense a weird look in their eyes. I knew I had lost a lot of weight but I didn't see it the way they did. For me, I was still obsessed about what I ate and how I looked. To them, I was grossly skinny. I thought I could loose more weight. The anxiety and guilt I got from eating was overwhelming. I love food and wanted to eat.. but I just couldn't. Friends would comment on me losing weight. I loved it.
I knew some people thought I looked gross. Some people said I looked amazing, but they were probably lying. P
eople constantly said that I needed to eat a sandwich. The worst was my dad shoving protein bars and cookies in my face. I did not respond well to that. I started giving attitude back when people commuted on how skinny I was.
When you're that skinny and someone points it out, it's the same as pointing out how fat someone is. It was mean. But I liked it. I went back to school continuing the same habits. Christmas break wasn't long after. At this point I had convinced myself and others that my weight loss was due to my extremely healthy views on food.
I would spend hours and hours on health blogs and looking up healthy recipes. In some ways, I was being healthy and because of this stage in my life I think I do have new outlook on food and why its important to be healthy. People bought it, I think. One night home, I ran into Henry. I awkwardly said hi at a party and that was our contact for the night. Later that night, he texted me. The conversation did not go in the direction I thought it was going in. He addressed how skinny I was and that people mentioned I have "changed."
He said that my body was better before, and that I had lost my butt. He thought I was being unhealthy and asked if I was ok. I was not happy about this. I was so mad.
Long story short the conversation did not end well. I cried to my friends about it, saying that I'm just a really healthy eater now.
Well, healthy eaters don't look like skeletor. Looking backIi should've known my friends agreed with Henry by the looks on their faces as I vented about it. I even cried to my mom about how much I hated my frail new body, but I didn't want to do anything about it. I got back to school to find out that my mom had contacted my roommate asking about my eating habits. I felt betrayed and embarrassed. At this point, I knew I had a problem.
But I only could admit it deep, deep down inside me. I also weighed myself for the first time in months. 98 lbs… I was shocked.
I was sick and tired about obsessing over everything I put in my mouth. The rest of the year was slightly better. I still only ate extremely healthy and my obsession was more about working out. I stopped running as much as I did and tried to add some strength training into my routine. I wanted to put weight on however, I weighed myself everyday and would make sure the scale didn't get passed 104 lbs. (104 would be a heavy day too)
But I felt better about myself. I never really felt weak because I was early a lot (granted I would just have a plate of vegetables, but it was still a lot) compared to how I was eating before, I was eating up a storm.
This is when I truly convinced myself that i was super healthy. Perfect workout schedule. Plenty of fruits and vegetables and I was really trying hard to get protein into my diet. I wouldn't eat any processed gross food. I even started to rub off on other people. My mom said I "inspired her and the family" and I hung out with a girl everyday and she became a really close friend of mine. She lost weight and was really happy about it. My friends at home would ask me advice about workouts and such and I loved it. I really developed a passion and love for fitness and health.
In the back of my mind I couldn't help but feel like I cheated people though, given my true feelings. School was finally over and I could wait to be back home. I remember slipping back into my old habits of obsessing in front of the mirror and thinking I was gaining a lot of weight. Until my friend snapped me back into reality.
She texted me after seeing me one day and expressed her concern about my weight. For a brief second I was mad and tried to think of an excuse. But I later thanked her, realizing that I wish people were as brave as her to confront me. I knew people were concerned and I wish they said something instead of waiting until I gained some weight back.
I don't blame them though, I don't think I could've if I were in their situation. From that point I knew I had to gain weight.
It was a sudden switch in my head to make myself realized that it is ok to eat.
And not to feel like I committed a crime for occasionally treating myself. However, this switch turned something else on.. something I hated.
For all of june and july I absolutely loved my body. I was so content with life and was the happiest I've been in months.(about 110-115 lbs)
Sometime in midjuly is when it all turned around. This is really really gross what I'm about to share. And really weird. (I slightly opened up to people about my other problems-but never this. its far too embarrassing) I don't know how the fucking gross habit emerged but I first tried it around christmas time.
I had been depriving myself for so long I just wanted to eat. A lot. And so I did.
But… I spit it back out before i could swallow it. I did that a lot over christmas break. Sneaking food into my room and waiting to be alone to eat.
At this time I also didn't want anyone to see me eat. (even if it was a normal meal)
I thought they'd judge me and think I was fat.. even though they were probably wishing my fragile frame would eat.
Anyway, my eating habits were normal and healthy, I would work out and had a very fit figure. I was thin, but a good thin. Not holocaust victim thin. I got obsessed with my chewing and spitting habit.. it got bad. I would spend hours eating and spitting it out.
By the end of my binge I would end up making myself throw up multiple times just to make sure that I didn't get any of the calories. But because the amount of food I ate during these binges, it was nearly impossible not to ingest some of these calories, even if I did throw up afterwards. (Mom... this is why the credit card bill was so high.. and why my room was a mess)
By late august I had lost that figure that I had absolutely loved. I looked in the mirror and tried to think of how I had gained weight. I had been eating healthy, workouted everyday. It was impossible that this were to happen. But oh yeah… I had hour long food binges.. of course it was going to catch up.
For the summer times I didn't really care though, it was nice to eat and not worry about it. But at the same time I'd almost rather have that than my new habit.
It was so annoying. I can't even describe how miserable it made me.
On the outside, everyone thought I had overcome my eating disorder and that I was back to my normal outgoing self. On the inside I was miserable. At least once a day I would cry to myself, tell myself I've hit rock bottom and that tomorrow I would stop.
But I couldn't. I went from weighing myself everyday to being terrified of the scale because I knew the weight had crept up. (I regret this, maybe I would've noticed the pounds inching up)
Here I am back at school and on the outside I seem happy. The school year is going so much better and I no longer count the days until I'm home, I love my friends and me and Henry are even friends now. But… its not over.
I've only been in school for a few weeks and I've made myself throw up many times.
I've been really risky about it considering I share a room and bathroom with other people. I've even made myself throw up in the bathroom and my roommate was in the room (I still wonder if the shower was loud enough)
No one would suspect anything though. Because I think I'm slightly overweight at this point. Infact I fucking hate my body. I'm about 133 lbs and I can't stand it. Granted, some of it is muscle but I would do anything to lose a good 15 lbs.
I'm actually really nervous to go home because all I can think about is how people are going to say how fat I am. I'm obsessed with thinking about my body. I literally don't go a day without thinking about how gross I look.
I'm writing this because I've never gotten all of it out at once. I'm not going to re read it but hopefully it makes sense for the most part. Even though I tried to explain how I felt, it's literally impossible to express what this past year or so has done to me.
I've been through so much and I don't think anyone can really understand it, no matter how hard I try to explain it. In some ways I don't regret anything because I really did learn so much about myself and other people. I also really have developed a passion for fitness and healthy eating.. even if it seems a bit hypocritical at times.
At the same time, I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I wish I could just go back to july and redo the rest of the summer. If I hadn't had those stupid binges maybe I'd still have that perfect body. I'm trying really hard to get it back. But I'll find myself alone and just binge and purge.
My knocked even started to scab recently. I fear that I'll always have this relationship with food. I mean if you think about it, I've been dealing with it for over 5 years.
Making yourself throw up is not healthy.. even if its a few once or twice a month.
I would take the body I have now over the one I had over the winter though. But I still hate my body. I just don't know what to do at this point. I keep telling myself tomorrow… tomorrow it will all be better.
I can't help but think that it never will be better. But I want so much for it to be.
#food #help #skinny #fat #confession
I'm a 21 year old gay male. Decent looking.
Anyway this starts all the way back in elementary school, I always felt different. I was the odd kid out and often picked on but if you were to look at me there would be no obvious reason. I was clean, looked normal but I was always off, this is when the horrible pattern started. I had met this kid, let's call him Cody, anyway we hit it off at first when school started because he was the new kid and I was a loner and we bonded over just running around at recess because neither of us liked sports (or ever were invited to play) and the swing set. As the year went on I thought everything was fine and normal, his mom even started volunteering at the school to serve snacks for the students which had given me a chance to meet his mom which I thought was great until i got pulled into the office one day. I was told that I was being suspended for harassing another student, it turns out Jake was deeply afraid of me and my vivid imagination, so afraid that he had pretended to be my friend so he wouldn't get hurt. His mom volunteered at the school to even keep an eye on me so she can see for herself what was going on. That's when I really knew something was wrong with me and what sickens me is that this exact same pattern of me finding one person and developing a dangerous fixation on them, my intent is never to harm them but I do... never physically but I'm so insecure in everything about myself. I need to pick a fight with them just to know that they care enough to argue back. I make up a sad story or suicide attempt to see how much they love me. I constantly push these boundaries to test how much they will take and if they will hurl me out of their lives too. This pattern has slowed down but not in a healthy way, ive now turned to opiates to give me that feeling of euphoria I would get when someone would say something nice to me or give me a hug. I'm up to about 160-200 mg of oxycodone use a day which I guess is enough to kill someone without a tollerance and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up from my nod. When this isn't enough I turn to casual sex on grindr just so I can still feel sexy and desired, I never use condoms because I hope I get HIV, that'll kill me in a few years if I don't treat it hopefully. Oh I should also mention that the only person that ever loved me unconditionally no matter how bad I got died of cancer when I was 19, the same time my "fiancé" left me. He was actually pretty good at dealing with my crazy, he knew how to work around it but after losing my mom I got really bad. Wanna know what's funny? I have a high paying job! I'm really smart and manipulative so I was able to cheat a resume and land a 30$ an hour job, I just pretended I knew what was going on lol I've even bought a car recently. I have this random peaks of energy and sanity I think where I set a goal and then I work hard to acheieve it, all while hiding a drug addiction. This isn't easy to do but any addict can tell you that they'll figure something out to push them through the day. As you can see this is so haphazardly written because this is how my brain works, I'm never on a single path and do you want to know the sickest thing that torments me the most in my life? I love. I love so hard. I love everyone and everything. All I want to do is love each and every person on this earth and i know that I have enough compassion in my heart to go around to each one of you but with my deadly desire to be desired like that in return all I do is hurt anyone who crosses my path. I've stopped now. I even got on methadone to start saving up a chunk of money for my family and entered the methadone clinic who dose me every morning before work, then I go to my office, milk the fuck out of the clock, go home, pop some xanax or whatever drug I can get my hands on because I have stockpiled fake pee for the UA's and pass the fuck out. On my days off it's just a blur of some type of intoxication. The beauty of this is, I'm no longer harming anyone, I tell my family I'm just dedicated to my career and they believe me because they see the new diesel (used 2011) Ford Dually I bought. I'm not in emotional pain for the lack of not having human interactions. My account is growing slowly but since I don't pay rent I can put almost half my monthly income into savings. I've written a list of the names of all the people I've hurt and for each name is a letter telling them everything that's beautiful about them. In 6 more months (if my body can hold up to my downers at night and daytime stimulants) I'll leave on a positive note with my dads debt paid off and my brother a newer truck which he should be able to make the payments on with the way I got the loan set up. Fuck you guys I'm so sorry I've failed you all. I was supposed to be the one to take every tear and change it for you... there has never been a time when my compassion didn't bring joy to someone's face, in fact that's the only thing that's kept me here this long. Kill me if you want and can find out who posted this, it would help. Today is January 7th.. late July and the toxic creature that has infected our existence as a species will enter the void of nothingness. Damnit, I was supposed to be something so beneficial. Anyway, bye babes. You have my love - mine is not to reason why, yours is not to make reply for I am to do and die.
#insanity #death #suicide #fear #addiction #abandonment #loss
When my grandfather died, I was so angry with him that I refused to go to his funeral.
Even now, 2 years later, I regret that I didn't take the chance to say goodbye to him one last time.
My girlfriend's father thinks I am going to church every Sunday. That was a necessary lie I had to tell for him to trust and like me. He is a very religious man and I thought the best thing to do is tell him I am too.But I am not. Not at all. My girlfriend doesn't know either! I am sure she wouldn't approve lying to her father about something like that. So I tell her as well that I am at church at Sundays. We live 50 miles away from each other so that's not a problem.In reality, I'll lie in bed, just turn off my phone and watch some stupid videos online.I really enjoy this time because I do not have to think about anything or anyone. I thought about telling them that I am going to the evening mass on Thursdays as wel just to have a few hours for myself. Maybe masturbate, maybe watch a movie, maybe take a nice bath. That's my own holy time. I love my girlfriend but I like my alone time as well.
#holy #church #lie #mass #confession #fatherinlaw #girlfriend #oops
My wife let me take lots of pornographic pics of her and trusted me to keep them privately. Whenever I feel like it I send them to random internet sites, post fake hookup ads making her out to be a cheating spouse, a slut and a whore. She's overweight and I share her big fat ass all over the internet.The first time I admitted to minor forms of this she let it go, then recently she made me promise to stop exploiting her as a porn figure. If she knew how I have displayed her big ass and how I continue to share her stretched open cunt to hundreds of thousands of men she would beat my ass severely. I don't have the balls to stand up to her cuz she WOULD kick my ass easily if she knew any of this so I'm gonna repost this under cowardice confessions too. i doubt I will stop before something forces me to stop. I love her but she was a huge slut when we were younger and I'm not letting that go. Fuck that fat bitch.
#fat #bitch #wife #cunt #slut #whore #porn #pics #forbidden #husband #coward #exploit #trust #betrayed
I am a very heavy person and I always have been and I really like to change but I guess not strong enough? Because I still keep doing what I am doing without thinking about the consequences. I am eating and eating and stuffing my face and I am so fat but I cannot change it. I am not strong enough or something I guess and I love food I mean LOVE FOOD. I could never go on a diet and sports does not work for me either. I guess I might be just too lazy but I am still waiting on the motivation to turn my life around but it just does not come you know.
Trying to figure out how I am going to pay for my kiddo's tuition this semester. Blew $100 right up my nose this evening. I'm a selfish prick.
I have a crush on Megan Whessels a.k.a The Fanfic Critic on youtube.
I wanna cum on her fat face cause she has a double chin and that was in 2014, I do hope she's gotten even fatter since.
Seriously I would love to smell her armpits after a long hot day.
#bad #sex #megan #wessels #ugly #fat #youtube #fanficiton #i #hate #myself #for #thinking #this
There is this woman in our office that I just cannot stand. She is always complaining and she is really overweight. She is always complaining about the shitty office equipment and if she has nothing to say about that, she is complaining about her weight and crying loudly that she needs to lose weight. I have a sweet tooth and have always some chocolate or other sweets with me and I know started asking her if she'd like some. Of course, I am all smiles and friendly, because I only want to share my good stuff, ya know?
She always declines, but I see how she's struggling and that fills me with so much joy.
Please forgive me for my disgraceful attitude.
I use these online dating portals the other way around. The fattest and ugliest women get the highest or best rank. That's poetic justice!
Reading your site, I am a slut. Boyfriend and I broke up. I cried. Mom is out of town. Step dad comforted me. Sex was good. A year later, I am uncomfortable when the 3 of us are together, even though mom has no idea. I feel like a slut. Worse is a part of me likes the slut feeling. I am not a prostitute just because he gets my juices going.
#stetfather #sex #slut #cry #mom
My bf made me into a complete pig.. when we first started dating I was in amazing shape I had toned abs and everything. But my bf started to fatten me up, he would feed me all day long. Over quarantine I gained 220 pounds, I’m now 316 at 5’’4. I laze around all day now. Even sitting up is difficult, don’t know what to do anymore so I just eat more
I study and have to do assignments and I try to fit in some exercise but lately all I do is walking and vibration platform workout with weights and resistance cords. I really try to eat low fat however I notice weight gain. some is from that we have gone back to full cream milk over low fat milk and there is a lot of dieticians turning back to butter and full cream. sometimes I will eat peanut butter and hazelnut choc spreads but I know I should not have these. I avoid jams and sweet things a lot.
I find I get cravings for chocolate and I snack too much on choc wafers and cheese and crackers, biscuits and I have become turned off flavored yogurts and I prefer low fat choc mouse or plain low fat yogurt mixed with lime juice and I prefer chili sauce over other dip sauces as it clears my sinuses.
I rarely eat fattening foods like cake or pastries or ice-cream (they are special treats for me).
dessert for me is like 1 ginger nut biscuit with a cup of tea,
I really enjoy vegitables as themselves or in soups and salads, I love salmon and tuna, and beans and I eat lean meats and small portions only.
I just want to know where I am getting this access fat?
I want to exercise more where my neighbors can't see me exercising. I want to lose weight so bad. I have considered starving myself. cutting half of everything I eat. I drink heaps of water often
I need to find exercise that will work, is fun and not over burdensome!
I am sick of gaining fucking weight. I am sick of being ugly and slobbish and I hate looking at myself in the mirror seeing all the fat.
my laziness is frustrating. I need to move more and I have to study and complete my work. If I don't start looking good and losing weight and feeling good soon I just don't know what I will do.
#fat #weight #loss #frustration
Me and my boyfriend tried to lose some weight in the last couple of months. Together we weigh around 450 to 500 pounds. We registered at the gym together and started changing our diet. It was a miserable experience for me!!!
I couldn't lose weight although I tried so hard. I cut out carbs and stuff and only ate a pizza or a burger once or twice a week on my lunchbreak from work.He on the other hand started to lose weight rather quickly and he enjoyed it! It's just so unfair!!!I thought about sabotaging him and maybe put sugar in his detox teas or something along those lines..
.I just hate seeing him so happy while I am so miserable...
#hate #jealousy #fat #overweight #gym #sport #diet #eating #food #confession #sugar #carbs #why
Today was one of the worst days in my whole life.
My dad left, my mom had a collapse. And I hate him so much right now, because he left us in this misery.
I hate him so much that I actually thought about killing him. Or at least, I want to beat the shit out of him.
Some days ago, I learned that my dad is a gambling addict, he played a lot of poker and made bets. He's a loser, he lost almost everything. We are higly in debts right now. Before he left, he took the last 500 dollars I had. That was for my car, took over 2 years to get so much money. Now it's all gone.
Actually, he wasn't that bad as a father. He worked hard (so I thought), cared about my mom, he even brought her flowers. Then we found out that he got fired 5 months ago...
Why would he do that? Why did he lie about it?
I hate him so much!!!
#hate #confessions #father #money
I often use my father's razor for my shavings because most ladyshaver are unsuitable for a good shaving.
#razor #shaver #shaving #father #confession
Being a young man I get horny for ugly girls. Idk why I’m like this. I’m a pretty good looking guy I just like these ugly weird girls. There was this one girl at a party who had blue hair, fat, pot head, hairy armpits, smelled like shit and hated trump. A girl no one would expect a guy like me to like. But once I had an opportunity alone with her we took it upstairs and just kissed and madeout for a really long time. She even left hickeys on my neck and so much saliva in my mouth. I sucked her tongue and tasted everything she ate that day. I would’ve fucked her too but she said she was bisexual but leaned more towards girls. But just the making out alone made me satisfied. Hotter girls would have been down to hookup at that party but I wanted this girl instead.
I'm a 25 year old black woman married to a white guy. For the last year I have been having an affair with my husband's father.
He is 50, but is stud and so fine. His cock is huge and he can fucks like a machine.
It's the best sex I ever have had.
I fell in love with him and now am pregnant with his child.
I want to leave his son and only be with him.
He loves me too, but doesn't want to hurt his son.
I am so fucked.
My dad's birthday is in 2 days and I haven't told him that I won't be there. I go on vacation on that day.
The problem is that my family love to celebrate birthdays. So it's kind of a big deal if I'm not there.
But I don't care. I wanna party and meet some new boys.
I'm malel, 21 years old and I love my family.
I was raised by my grandparents and I always had great respect of them, but at this moment I can't "not respond" to the provocations of my grandmother.
All she tells me annoys me and I answer her badley, because I just lost my stepfather for about a month ago and she now wants to control everything that is happening here at home: (that hours we enter, that hours we left, where we go, what we do...) We currently need privacy and let us do our "grieving", but she is always on top of things happening.
Everyone tells me that I have to give her a "discount" because of her age, but I can not, but right after I answer her badly, I regret.
#family #grandma #stepfather #dead #bad #confession
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