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I don't know exactly how it started, or why I started.
All I know is that after that first time it led down a dangerous path I just can't seem to come off of.
At first, I would never have considered my case to be a serious problem. I would just do it here and there. I thought I'd have to do it many more times in order for it to become an actual problem.
The first time I remember making myself throw up was at work.
Yup, work.
I know I did it before that, but for some reason thats the first time I can recall. My boss had bought me a mint chip milkshake and I gladly finished it. A few minutes after I did I was filled with anxiety. I knew what I had to do. I went in the bathroom and quietly tried to make myself throw up.
I had to be no older than 14. At this time I had just lost a significant amount of weight( the healthy way), and I had to keep it off. From then on I battled extreme weight fluctuations and anxiety and guilt about eating.
Like I said, I never really considered myself to have a serious problem. I could go months without thinking about throwing up and wouldn't want to bury myself in a hole after eating some ice cream. I
t was the occasional ate way too much at dinner and then making myself not feel full after. After I ate a lot, I had the overwhelming urge to take a shower.
This is where I would make myself throw up. So, no one could hear me and the clean up was easy. It was weird, after I discovered the shower was a much easier place to purge, my skin just itched to take a shower after eating. I realized I was in a vicious cycle when I said to myself "Well, I'm going to make myself throw up tonight, so might as well keep eating."
This continued on and off for all of high school. It wasn't until my freshman year at college that things got really bad. I went into college excited as ever.
Ready to make new fiends, enjoy my freedom, start fresh. At one point I even thought the long distance relationship with Henry would work out… but that quickly changed.
Everything was perfect until right after fall break. I had lost a little weight (healthily) and went back for fall break a health 115 lbs, feeling great. I even thought the visit home to Henry went well. Then things changed.
Everything in my life completely turned around. I had to get my appendix removed suddenly.
Besides the extreme pain it caused, it took a lot of me with it. Missed a week of school, grades went down. Missed homecoming, halloween and weekends out. Goodbye new friends. Couldn't exercise for 2 weeks, goodbye in shape body. And Henry slowly fell off the map and we stopped talking. That surprised me a lot. He went from missing me and always talking to me to thinking that the best way to get over me was to forget about me.
Maybe he was right. Maybe it was for the best.
Long distance relationships in college just don't work. But then I didn't care. I just wanted him in my life.
Because I couldn't work out, I was terrified of gaining weight. I cut my calories significantly to make up for the lack of movement in my life.
This is when my "eating disorder" went from more bulimic to anorexic. It kills me to even type those words. One of the worst things that could've happened was me finding an app on my phone that keeps track of calories.
I would record absolutely everything in this app. I would even keep track of the calories in gum and multi-vitamins. My "goal" calories would be 1,200. But it would be a bad day in my eyes if my number even came close to that. I would be happy if my net calories at the end of the day was 200. (including the calories burned from working out..and I never missed a workout day.)
A typical day of eating for me would be an apple for breakfast, a few celery stick or carrots for lunch and a salad for dinner. This salad would be about the size of my hand. Or a few pieces of steamed broccoli. And I would feel guilty if I ate it all.
At this time in my life I think I was depressed. Im not really sure if I was, I just know I was miserable. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to socialize with anyone.
I avoided talking to people. I counted the days until I was able to go home. The only things I seemed to have think about were what I was going to eat the next day, and when. And Henry, somewhere in the back of my head I thought when I came home we were going to end up back together. I couldn't pass a mirror without lifting up my shirt and staring at my stomach, thinking that I needed to make it smaller. Sometimes when I would stand up I would get extremely dizzy and my vision would go black. Once, I even fell over and bashed my head on a door knob. Then came thanksgiving break. First thing I did when I landed was text Henry. He made up some excuse why he couldn't hang out… weird.
He's the one who told me to "wait". I don't want to go into too much detail about me and Henrys relationship, but to a certain extent he played a role in how my life changed.
When I first saw my family I could sense a weird look in their eyes. I knew I had lost a lot of weight but I didn't see it the way they did. For me, I was still obsessed about what I ate and how I looked. To them, I was grossly skinny. I thought I could loose more weight. The anxiety and guilt I got from eating was overwhelming. I love food and wanted to eat.. but I just couldn't. Friends would comment on me losing weight. I loved it.
I knew some people thought I looked gross. Some people said I looked amazing, but they were probably lying. P
eople constantly said that I needed to eat a sandwich. The worst was my dad shoving protein bars and cookies in my face. I did not respond well to that. I started giving attitude back when people commuted on how skinny I was.
When you're that skinny and someone points it out, it's the same as pointing out how fat someone is. It was mean. But I liked it. I went back to school continuing the same habits. Christmas break wasn't long after. At this point I had convinced myself and others that my weight loss was due to my extremely healthy views on food.
I would spend hours and hours on health blogs and looking up healthy recipes. In some ways, I was being healthy and because of this stage in my life I think I do have new outlook on food and why its important to be healthy. People bought it, I think. One night home, I ran into Henry. I awkwardly said hi at a party and that was our contact for the night. Later that night, he texted me. The conversation did not go in the direction I thought it was going in. He addressed how skinny I was and that people mentioned I have "changed."
He said that my body was better before, and that I had lost my butt. He thought I was being unhealthy and asked if I was ok. I was not happy about this. I was so mad.
Long story short the conversation did not end well. I cried to my friends about it, saying that I'm just a really healthy eater now.
Well, healthy eaters don't look like skeletor. Looking backIi should've known my friends agreed with Henry by the looks on their faces as I vented about it. I even cried to my mom about how much I hated my frail new body, but I didn't want to do anything about it. I got back to school to find out that my mom had contacted my roommate asking about my eating habits. I felt betrayed and embarrassed. At this point, I knew I had a problem.
But I only could admit it deep, deep down inside me. I also weighed myself for the first time in months. 98 lbs… I was shocked.
I was sick and tired about obsessing over everything I put in my mouth. The rest of the year was slightly better. I still only ate extremely healthy and my obsession was more about working out. I stopped running as much as I did and tried to add some strength training into my routine. I wanted to put weight on however, I weighed myself everyday and would make sure the scale didn't get passed 104 lbs. (104 would be a heavy day too)
But I felt better about myself. I never really felt weak because I was early a lot (granted I would just have a plate of vegetables, but it was still a lot) compared to how I was eating before, I was eating up a storm.
This is when I truly convinced myself that i was super healthy. Perfect workout schedule. Plenty of fruits and vegetables and I was really trying hard to get protein into my diet. I wouldn't eat any processed gross food. I even started to rub off on other people. My mom said I "inspired her and the family" and I hung out with a girl everyday and she became a really close friend of mine. She lost weight and was really happy about it. My friends at home would ask me advice about workouts and such and I loved it. I really developed a passion and love for fitness and health.
In the back of my mind I couldn't help but feel like I cheated people though, given my true feelings. School was finally over and I could wait to be back home. I remember slipping back into my old habits of obsessing in front of the mirror and thinking I was gaining a lot of weight. Until my friend snapped me back into reality.
She texted me after seeing me one day and expressed her concern about my weight. For a brief second I was mad and tried to think of an excuse. But I later thanked her, realizing that I wish people were as brave as her to confront me. I knew people were concerned and I wish they said something instead of waiting until I gained some weight back.
I don't blame them though, I don't think I could've if I were in their situation. From that point I knew I had to gain weight.
It was a sudden switch in my head to make myself realized that it is ok to eat.
And not to feel like I committed a crime for occasionally treating myself. However, this switch turned something else on.. something I hated.
For all of june and july I absolutely loved my body. I was so content with life and was the happiest I've been in months.(about 110-115 lbs)
Sometime in midjuly is when it all turned around. This is really really gross what I'm about to share. And really weird. (I slightly opened up to people about my other problems-but never this. its far too embarrassing) I don't know how the fucking gross habit emerged but I first tried it around christmas time.
I had been depriving myself for so long I just wanted to eat. A lot. And so I did.
But… I spit it back out before i could swallow it. I did that a lot over christmas break. Sneaking food into my room and waiting to be alone to eat.
At this time I also didn't want anyone to see me eat. (even if it was a normal meal)
I thought they'd judge me and think I was fat.. even though they were probably wishing my fragile frame would eat.
Anyway, my eating habits were normal and healthy, I would work out and had a very fit figure. I was thin, but a good thin. Not holocaust victim thin. I got obsessed with my chewing and spitting habit.. it got bad. I would spend hours eating and spitting it out.
By the end of my binge I would end up making myself throw up multiple times just to make sure that I didn't get any of the calories. But because the amount of food I ate during these binges, it was nearly impossible not to ingest some of these calories, even if I did throw up afterwards. (Mom... this is why the credit card bill was so high.. and why my room was a mess)
By late august I had lost that figure that I had absolutely loved. I looked in the mirror and tried to think of how I had gained weight. I had been eating healthy, workouted everyday. It was impossible that this were to happen. But oh yeah… I had hour long food binges.. of course it was going to catch up.
For the summer times I didn't really care though, it was nice to eat and not worry about it. But at the same time I'd almost rather have that than my new habit.
It was so annoying. I can't even describe how miserable it made me.
On the outside, everyone thought I had overcome my eating disorder and that I was back to my normal outgoing self. On the inside I was miserable. At least once a day I would cry to myself, tell myself I've hit rock bottom and that tomorrow I would stop.
But I couldn't. I went from weighing myself everyday to being terrified of the scale because I knew the weight had crept up. (I regret this, maybe I would've noticed the pounds inching up)
Here I am back at school and on the outside I seem happy. The school year is going so much better and I no longer count the days until I'm home, I love my friends and me and Henry are even friends now. But… its not over.
I've only been in school for a few weeks and I've made myself throw up many times.
I've been really risky about it considering I share a room and bathroom with other people. I've even made myself throw up in the bathroom and my roommate was in the room (I still wonder if the shower was loud enough)
No one would suspect anything though. Because I think I'm slightly overweight at this point. Infact I fucking hate my body. I'm about 133 lbs and I can't stand it. Granted, some of it is muscle but I would do anything to lose a good 15 lbs.
I'm actually really nervous to go home because all I can think about is how people are going to say how fat I am. I'm obsessed with thinking about my body. I literally don't go a day without thinking about how gross I look.
I'm writing this because I've never gotten all of it out at once. I'm not going to re read it but hopefully it makes sense for the most part. Even though I tried to explain how I felt, it's literally impossible to express what this past year or so has done to me.
I've been through so much and I don't think anyone can really understand it, no matter how hard I try to explain it. In some ways I don't regret anything because I really did learn so much about myself and other people. I also really have developed a passion for fitness and healthy eating.. even if it seems a bit hypocritical at times.
At the same time, I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I wish I could just go back to july and redo the rest of the summer. If I hadn't had those stupid binges maybe I'd still have that perfect body. I'm trying really hard to get it back. But I'll find myself alone and just binge and purge.
My knocked even started to scab recently. I fear that I'll always have this relationship with food. I mean if you think about it, I've been dealing with it for over 5 years.
Making yourself throw up is not healthy.. even if its a few once or twice a month.
I would take the body I have now over the one I had over the winter though. But I still hate my body. I just don't know what to do at this point. I keep telling myself tomorrow… tomorrow it will all be better.
I can't help but think that it never will be better. But I want so much for it to be.
#food #help #skinny #fat #confession
I use these online dating portals the other way around. The fattest and ugliest women get the highest or best rank. That's poetic justice!
Being Asian and fat is the worst punishment. I am 19 years old and a very romantic person, but I fear or feel no body wants me and loves me because I am fat and in the future I wouldn't be able to get the type of love I want all because of my body
I’m FtM trans (Post op, 5 years on T) and sometimes out of no where, I literally crave dick like crazy. I get so hungry for it like my hole and clit NEEEEEEEED it more than anything in this world. Been on a ton of dating apps, I love all my bbc out there😍they know how to lay it down and please better than anyone.
There is this woman in our office that I just cannot stand. She is always complaining and she is really overweight. She is always complaining about the shitty office equipment and if she has nothing to say about that, she is complaining about her weight and crying loudly that she needs to lose weight. I have a sweet tooth and have always some chocolate or other sweets with me and I know started asking her if she'd like some. Of course, I am all smiles and friendly, because I only want to share my good stuff, ya know?
She always declines, but I see how she's struggling and that fills me with so much joy.
Please forgive me for my disgraceful attitude.
My boyfriend left me when i told him I had sex with his father and that he should take lesson. Now I think he is jealous. Honesty can get you in trouble.
My Father used to physically abuse my half-brothers a lot. He slapped one of them so herd he left a hand print on his face. He shoved my brothers head through a wall. He once broke my mothers nose. He purposely cuts my dogs nails so short she would bleed because he was mad at her. My mother knew about this so she kept me away from him. He still hurt me mentally. He is the reason i have to take anti-depressants now. I don't see him anymore but he's old and I'm afraid hell die before I'm ready to talk to him.
Life isn’t fair. I ate right & exercised. No drugs or drink. Been sick much of my life.
I know fat smokers who eat endless fried foods; get drunk; smoke; did a lot of drugs, & won’t even wear a mask for Covid. Yet are healthier than me.
I was alone and there was crime nearby. My husband suggested his dad stay with me. Things happen and now I confess to being guilty of sex with another man. I learned so much! Family get togethers will never be the same.
#lust #educational #faternlaw #yum
I'm a 21 year old gay male. Decent looking.
Anyway this starts all the way back in elementary school, I always felt different. I was the odd kid out and often picked on but if you were to look at me there would be no obvious reason. I was clean, looked normal but I was always off, this is when the horrible pattern started. I had met this kid, let's call him Cody, anyway we hit it off at first when school started because he was the new kid and I was a loner and we bonded over just running around at recess because neither of us liked sports (or ever were invited to play) and the swing set. As the year went on I thought everything was fine and normal, his mom even started volunteering at the school to serve snacks for the students which had given me a chance to meet his mom which I thought was great until i got pulled into the office one day. I was told that I was being suspended for harassing another student, it turns out Jake was deeply afraid of me and my vivid imagination, so afraid that he had pretended to be my friend so he wouldn't get hurt. His mom volunteered at the school to even keep an eye on me so she can see for herself what was going on. That's when I really knew something was wrong with me and what sickens me is that this exact same pattern of me finding one person and developing a dangerous fixation on them, my intent is never to harm them but I do... never physically but I'm so insecure in everything about myself. I need to pick a fight with them just to know that they care enough to argue back. I make up a sad story or suicide attempt to see how much they love me. I constantly push these boundaries to test how much they will take and if they will hurl me out of their lives too. This pattern has slowed down but not in a healthy way, ive now turned to opiates to give me that feeling of euphoria I would get when someone would say something nice to me or give me a hug. I'm up to about 160-200 mg of oxycodone use a day which I guess is enough to kill someone without a tollerance and everyday I wish I wouldn't wake up from my nod. When this isn't enough I turn to casual sex on grindr just so I can still feel sexy and desired, I never use condoms because I hope I get HIV, that'll kill me in a few years if I don't treat it hopefully. Oh I should also mention that the only person that ever loved me unconditionally no matter how bad I got died of cancer when I was 19, the same time my "fiancé" left me. He was actually pretty good at dealing with my crazy, he knew how to work around it but after losing my mom I got really bad. Wanna know what's funny? I have a high paying job! I'm really smart and manipulative so I was able to cheat a resume and land a 30$ an hour job, I just pretended I knew what was going on lol I've even bought a car recently. I have this random peaks of energy and sanity I think where I set a goal and then I work hard to acheieve it, all while hiding a drug addiction. This isn't easy to do but any addict can tell you that they'll figure something out to push them through the day. As you can see this is so haphazardly written because this is how my brain works, I'm never on a single path and do you want to know the sickest thing that torments me the most in my life? I love. I love so hard. I love everyone and everything. All I want to do is love each and every person on this earth and i know that I have enough compassion in my heart to go around to each one of you but with my deadly desire to be desired like that in return all I do is hurt anyone who crosses my path. I've stopped now. I even got on methadone to start saving up a chunk of money for my family and entered the methadone clinic who dose me every morning before work, then I go to my office, milk the fuck out of the clock, go home, pop some xanax or whatever drug I can get my hands on because I have stockpiled fake pee for the UA's and pass the fuck out. On my days off it's just a blur of some type of intoxication. The beauty of this is, I'm no longer harming anyone, I tell my family I'm just dedicated to my career and they believe me because they see the new diesel (used 2011) Ford Dually I bought. I'm not in emotional pain for the lack of not having human interactions. My account is growing slowly but since I don't pay rent I can put almost half my monthly income into savings. I've written a list of the names of all the people I've hurt and for each name is a letter telling them everything that's beautiful about them. In 6 more months (if my body can hold up to my downers at night and daytime stimulants) I'll leave on a positive note with my dads debt paid off and my brother a newer truck which he should be able to make the payments on with the way I got the loan set up. Fuck you guys I'm so sorry I've failed you all. I was supposed to be the one to take every tear and change it for you... there has never been a time when my compassion didn't bring joy to someone's face, in fact that's the only thing that's kept me here this long. Kill me if you want and can find out who posted this, it would help. Today is January 7th.. late July and the toxic creature that has infected our existence as a species will enter the void of nothingness. Damnit, I was supposed to be something so beneficial. Anyway, bye babes. You have my love - mine is not to reason why, yours is not to make reply for I am to do and die.
#insanity #death #suicide #fear #addiction #abandonment #loss
I hate myself and my body. I am getting fatter and I have tried everything. I am skipping breakfast and lunch, starving myself, and exercising, but nothing helps. My body won't change no matter how hard I try. It has gotten so bad that I am being called big, and fat by my own parents. I just want to die so I don't have to deal with the pressure of having the perfect body.
#fat #ugly #hate #depression
Ever since the first vacation we took with my husbands parents I have been having sex with my father in law. He takes it as an opportunity to get me alone and he treats me like his little slut. This started 19 years ago.
I am always wet and horny and get off on the idea of getting caught. Maybe this explains myself to me. My boyfriend travels alot. When he would go out of town I would visit and hang out at his home. I ended up fucking his brother when I could. Now I am wanting their father. Timing and visiting at the right time.
#wet #horny #boyfriend #brother #father #fuck #suck #slutty #sex
Because my father is very normal and conventional I like to wear short skirts and tops when I visit him just to annoy him.
I have a crush on Megan Whessels a.k.a The Fanfic Critic on youtube.
I wanna cum on her fat face cause she has a double chin and that was in 2014, I do hope she's gotten even fatter since.
Seriously I would love to smell her armpits after a long hot day.
#bad #sex #megan #wessels #ugly #fat #youtube #fanficiton #i #hate #myself #for #thinking #this
I take advantage of heavier more desperate girls when I go to bars or clubs. I’m 25 and I’m 6’3, and I’m in amazing shape. With this brings female attention. I do still have fun with hot girls but sometimes I get off on going for easy prey. With hot girls it’s me having to lead the convo and get them in bed but with desperate uglier fat girls its them coming at me wanting to get in bed. They probably get rejected a lot so when a good looking guy wants them they go all out. Best pussy I get is from fat chicks that are alone and drunk at the bar. Some have husbands and some are just lonely and want dick. I love using them and I never wear protection or pull out. I’m not going to see them again so I just cum inside then and dip.
My wife of 14 years is a fat cow. She's about 5ft. 6in, weighs about 220lbs. She has F cup tits and a big, loose, hairy pussy. I force her to do sex things she doesn't want because she turned so fat and ugly. When she was young and hot I did anything she wanted, now it's her turn. When she disobeys me I make her take her punishment. She must put her hands behind her back and lean over at the waist. I then punch her tits from side to side really hard, full force with my fists. They get bruised and I usually end by fucking her from behind.
I have now bought an old cow milker, and hook up her udders to it and make her get milked by the machine for 30 minutes every day. Her nipples have gotten huge, her clit is next.
I'm malel, 21 years old and I love my family.
I was raised by my grandparents and I always had great respect of them, but at this moment I can't "not respond" to the provocations of my grandmother.
All she tells me annoys me and I answer her badley, because I just lost my stepfather for about a month ago and she now wants to control everything that is happening here at home: (that hours we enter, that hours we left, where we go, what we do...) We currently need privacy and let us do our "grieving", but she is always on top of things happening.
Everyone tells me that I have to give her a "discount" because of her age, but I can not, but right after I answer her badly, I regret.
#family #grandma #stepfather #dead #bad #confession
I (female) don't talk to my father for 2 years now. He such a greasy old man, I can't stand him. But what I found out a few days ago, gives me even more reason to hate him.
My parents often fight about different things but they are still married. After an argument, my father often disappears and went somewhere else. A few days ago, I got curious and followed him. After following him around for a couple of minutes, he stopped at the house of his colleague. She opened him the door and they kissed!!
I made a photo of it and sent it to our pastor. My parents are reputable people in our church and I guess my father won't be much longer in our parish council. I hope he also lose his job because of this affair.
And hopefully my mother will finally understand what an asshole he is.
#father #church #affair #fight #argument #kiss #pastor #confession
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